It's All In The Hips/I Have No Idea Why All These Homeless Black Men With Scraggly Beards Want to Be My Boyfriend

i iz gay magoo.
-That part of today's post was written by David. He should really leave the bloggin to me. I'm a professional, duh.

So last night I went to this big gay dance called The Coming Out Ball. You want to hear the most often-said statement of the night? Here it is:
"Amy, look...THIS is how you dance."
Which was then accompanied by any number of other statements including,
"You look so scared!"
"Start by moving you head."
And
"It's all in the hips. Move your hips!"

Ok look. When it comes to dancing...I am not the best. I need a couple things to really cut loose:
a)People I know well around me (and while I was with really cool people, I didn't know anyone too well)
b)I need to feel safe and that's hard when you're as little as I am in the middle of a crowd of people who you know don't see you. (Hence the scared look on my face...Gotta watch out and make sure I don't get an elbow to the face!)
c)I need to be relaxed and not as wound up/nervous as I was. I was pretty dang nervous. There was absolutely no reason to be, but because I was...it made dancing hard.

...I'm also not a big "bumper and grinder" as the kids call it.

Basically, what I'm trying to get at is that I'm 40 years old. And I felt my age last night. Not that I didn't have fun, but I'm 40 years old.
And you know what?
I'm ok with that.
So what if I think good conversation is super sexy?
So what if I think so much is said through passing glances?
So what if I am not forward enough to go up to someone and "throw my ass up on them" (awkward for one, because my ass would be a normal person's knees)?
My name is Amy. I am a 21 year old 40 year old.
And I am damn proud.
...and don't get me wrong, here. I think dancing and dancing with someone is super sexy too. But I think it's the sexiest when there's a connection. Not just random, throwin' your ass around. I know there are people who would disagree and could make a strong case for the hows and whys of this being "sexy" but I don't think it is. Just my opinion. Call me 40 years old if you want. I don't mind. Also, I don't "drink" as a verb. I mean, I drink in the sense that the word "drink" itself is a verb. But I don't "drink" as a recreational activity. I like to "drink", as in euphemism for alcohol. But I find I like drinking best when it accompanies some sexy conversation. And maybe some food (I'm Italian, what do you expect from me?). I know. I know. All this makes me sound so old. I'm ok with that. I'm ok with that even if it means I won't meet someone good for me until I'm 40. I mean I'd really not like to wait that long.

You know what else I realized last night?
I am not nearly as awkward as I thought I was.
I would venture to say I am in fact an excellent flirt and an even better tease.
Yeah guys.
I just said I was a tease.
There's a part of me that is and always will be a little goofy/awkward. But there's a part of me that can be totally awesome and work it if I need to too. And when I figured that out last night...it felt pretty damn good. And I always did know it, it just disappeared for a while for whatever reason, but its back now.
Heck yes I'm bringing Sexyback. For real this time. FOR REAL!
SEXYBROUGHT
Is the name of my life right now.
I Sexybrought!
Yeah!

HAHHAHAHAHA...
Anyway.
So there's something about my life I don't understand right now. And that is: Why homeless, older, black men with scraggly beards want to date me. There have been two occasions now in my life where such fellows have asked me out on a date and/or implied that they would like to my boyfriend.

Occasion #1:
(I'm waiting for the train. There is a young couple smooching in the corner. Homeless, older, black man with scraggly beard (henceforth known as "Scraggles #1"comes onto platform. Stands a few feet a way from me. Scraggles #1 has on coke bottle glasses and is clearly some how mentally disabled. If you want to full effect, I should really do the impression of this guy for you. He was priceless.)

SCRAGGLES #1: (Observing kissing couple. Said to anyone who will listen) You know I'm single??
(I realize I should have ignored him. I realize I should say nothing. But I just don't have it in me to ignore people if they aren't being rude or nasty).
ME: Oh. I'm sorry what did you say?
SCRAGGLES #1: You know I'm single?
ME: Oh. Being single is not so bad.
SCRAGGLES #1: Yeah, but it sucks when you want to go to the movies.
Sound Cue: My heart breaking a little bit.
ME: Yeah. That's true.
SCRAGGLES #1: You know I'm 50 years old?
ME: Wow.
SCRAGGLES #1: Yeah. 50 years old and I'm single. But I love to go to the movies.
ME: Me too.
SCRAGGLES #1: But I hate dem scary movies. They give me nightmares.
ME: Yeah I don't like them either.
SCRAGGLES #1: I remember when I was little I saw the Swap Thing...and the Dracula with the Bel-la Lu-gosi. And I was scared! But I like movies (Train comes. We get on) I just saw the Dreamgirls. And it was a mess! The Eddie Murphy was a mess! Beyonce was a mess! The Danny Glover was a mess! Jennifer Hudson...well...she was good. But the rest was a mess!! And I saw the preview for the Because I Said So with Diane Keaton and the Rev. Camden from the 7th Heaven. I like the 7th Heaven. With the Ruthie and the Simon. And the Lucy...(Train comes to the stop where I have to get off) Say I didn't get your name?
ME: I'm Amy (He shakes my hand)
SCRAGGLES #1: Say Amy, if you're not doing anything would you maybe like to go see a movie with me sometime?
ME:...uh...
SCRAGGLES #1: Yeah, I know..you're BUSY! (Storms of the train)

Occasion #2:
So today I'm waiting for the bus at Addison and Clark. And this older, homeless, black guy with a scraggly beard comes by pushing his cart of crap. He hits bump, and his little fold up chair falls out. He doesn't notice)
ME: Um. Excuse me. You dropped your...sir...(He Doesn't notice. I go pick it up) Sir! You dropped your chair. (I hand it to him)
SCRAGGLES #2: Oh thank you so much! That was really good of you.
ME: Oh it's no bog deal/
SCRAGGLES #2: No, that was real good of ya. (He puts it in his cart) That was real good of ya. Are you married?
ME: Oh, no! (Laughing)
SCRAGGLES #2: You looking for a boyfriend?
ME: Um. No. Sorry.
SCRAGGLES #2: Oh. OK. Well Thanks.
ME: No problem.
(He pushes his cart away)

Too bad I'm gay. 'Cause if I was straight...well, I wouldn't be able to keep the homeless dudes I make friends with away!



QUOTE OF THE DAY
DAVID: Why would I promote heterosexuality in the box office?