No Dude, Pants are required.

So I work at a box office in a suburb of Chicago.

Our patrons are pretty much suburban families and old people. So as you might guess, I have some pretty interesting conversations with people.

So for whatever reason, a bunch of crazies came out the other day.

Annnnddd...start the highlight reel......

So! We have this dude coming to our theatre who sings Sinatra and Bobby Darien and Dean Martin and all kinds of other crooners. As you may imagine...the old people have been calling in droves. I can pretty much determine by the sound of their geriatric voice when they call what they're going to ask for..."Yes, I'd like tickets for that Sinatra and the singing and the he wants it his way. Do you have any matinees?"
So! For some of our shows we set up cabaret tables directly in front of the stage. They're basically small drink tables that seat four. We usually set up three. And they're mainly for concerts (like this one) or for when second city comes. So this lady calls, we pick out a day for her to see the show and get her some seats and then the following conversation ensues:
OLD LDAY: So will there be a lunch?
ME: A lunch?
OLD LADY: Yes. Is there a lunch included?
ME: No, there's no lunch mam.
OLD LADY: But I read somewhere that a lunch was included!
ME: No mam, lunch is not included with the show.
OLD LADY: Where did I read that...here...well it says you have tables!
ME: Those are small drink tables we set up.
OLD LADY: Oh. So there's no lunch.
WHAT I WANTED TO SAY: Not unless you want to drink it.
WHAT I SAID: Right. So to confirm your order I have two tickets for blah blah blah....

OK! So on to the next scene so this lady calls and we have THIS conversation:
(Phone rings)
ME: Thank you for calling the box office this is Amy, how may I help you?
LADY: Yeah, I wonder if you can help me. I'm in a really difficult situation and it’s really hard for me to talk about.
ME (Thinking): Uh-oh. This is a box office what could possibly be the problem. Maybe she miss-dialed and wanted the psychic help hotline.
ME: Ok, what can I do for you mam?
LADY: Um, ok...well...I bought these tickets for my parents in an attempt to...uh...(speaking really quickly) make amends but its not going to work out at all and what I need to do now is just cancel the tickets but I already gave the tickets to them and I just need to cancel them.
(Pause. I take it in)
ME: Ok. Um. I'm really sorry mam but there isn't anything I can do. It is our policy that once the tickets are purchased the sale is final and there isn't anything I do since you said you gave them the tickets, is that correct?
LADY: Yes I gave them the tickets.
ME: Yeah then I'm really sorry but I just can't cancel them.
LADY: OK thanks bye. (Hangs up quickly)

OK! Keep in mind this is all happening on the SAME day. And somehow...I'm picking up all these phone calls. But nothing could have prepared me for the doozie of a call I got later...

Let me set the scene...

We had a kids show that morning. As such we had to be there an hour earlier. I don't mind the being-there-earlier-part, but it does make the day longer since we do close at normal time and when you're taking ticket orders all day and sitting in one spot and since I have mild ADD-well you get the idea. So, we're about half an hour till close when this phone conversation happens, phone rings I pick up and answer:
MAN: Yeah I was wondering if you have any tickets left for tomorrow night's performance.
ME: Yes we do.
MAN: Great, are there a lot left where I could purchase tomorrow night?
ME: Yes, there is a good amount left. I don't anticipate it selling out, so you should be able to get tickets tomorrow.
MAN: Good. Can you tell me a little bit about what you're audiences are like; I'm new to the area.
(I've worked there for almost a year now and I have NEVER gotten this question before but whatever)
ME:(Excited by the new question I launch into a two minute schpeel about my own observations on the demographic of our theatre) We have a pretty mixed community that come too see our shows. We are in the suburbs so we have a lot of suburban families that come to our theatre both for our children's shows and for our regular season shows. We do have a big elderly community and they come out to the theatre here as well. It depends on the type of show as well. Our later night comedy shows draws a younger crowd. As do our most of our concerts. We have a concert coming up where the singer will cover many crooner songs and that is drawing more of the older community. But for our regular shows it’s a very good mix people.
MAN: Oh.
(OK, side note: Currently we have a British farce playing at our theatre. As such it has a lot of sexual humor, mistaken identity, couple swapping, ect, ect and that’s the show this guy was inquiring about at the start)
MAN: Ok. Well...I guess I was wondering about audience participation too. (Before I can answer he continues) Because it says here in the ad for your play (The British farce) that clothing is optional...do people really do that?
(Pause)
ME: That's a joke.
(Pause)
ME: That's a joke about the show. The play is a British farce so there's a lot of sexual humor. And towards the end of the play a couple characters end up in their underwear, so...that's just a joke.
MAN: Oh ok good that seems a lot more appropriate. I'll call back about the tickets.
(Hangs up)

Where did you come from nudist man??!!! This is not a nudist theatre. So thanks buddy, you have to wear your pants. Shorts are ok too but we draw the line at hot pants. NOR is the theatre a swingers club where you can meet a sexual conquest by impressing here with your lack of clothes while taking in a night of theatre! No way buddy.

This is my job. It is awesome.