Sunk Pretty Damn Low

All right guys.

I'm always straight up with you.

I'm always honest with you.

And I have a confession to make...

Monday I posted a personals ad on craigslist.

Was it against my better judgment?

Yes. Most of the ads on craigslist are people lookin' for a hook-up. Some of the ads are blatantly scams. Most of the ads contain gross misspellings of words and dismal grammatical structure.
All warning signs I should have heeded.

Maybe it was because on Monday night I was feeling particularly lonely. I thought to myself, "Say, I don't have bad teeth or herpes...why can't a catch a dame's attention?"
Maybe it was really on Monday night I was doing everything in my power to avoid writing a philosophy paper.

Whatever the case. I was moved to post an ad on craigslist. Here's what I wrote:

"Hi! First time poster to craigslist-approaching with a fair amount of trepidation, but what the hell? I thought I'd give it a shot. I just moved to Chicago and I'm looking to meet some new people and develop new relationships. I'm 21. I'm gay. Looking to meet cool gay/lesbian/bisexual/queer girls around my age.
I'm not looking for a one night stand. I'm not looking for dudes (sorry dudes, no offense but I'm posting in women seeking women for a reason. And I probably don't look like the type of girl you'd want to watch sex up your girlfriend anyway. Eva Longoria, I am not).
Anyway! (I get off track easily)
So.
If you just want to chat...
If you're looking for a coffee buddy...
If you're looking for someone to discuss horticulture with (I don't know a thing about it, but you're welcome to talk my ear off)...
No pressure, No expectations.
Don't be afraid to drop me a line-it took me like 3 weeks to work up the courage to post here. So take a chance! I'm a pretty nice, easy-going person."

Cute, right? I was hoping it would catch someone's eye, someone maybe hoping the "women seeking women" section of craigslist would hold something beyond the usual trash of ugly chicks looking to get laid or men looking to fulfill their male fantasy of watching their girlfriend do it with a girl or married women looking for a "discreet" relationship. Someone hoping maybe today craigslist would hold something special. (Not unlike the way I approach craigslist on some days)

That's not what I got.

I got responses. Boy did I ever. I got a bunch on Monday and a few trickled in today and yesterday, too.
And....roll the highlight reel, Lou:
-I got a response from a dude. He was polish. I knew this because his email was something to the effect of polishguy183382@yahoo.com. His response to me: "coffee soundz good. wher? wen?"
Um...I didn't ask you out to coffee. You're a dude. Leave me alone.
- I got a response from this girl who described herself to me in a list of words. One of the words was "nihilist." I have a list of things I don't need in my life right now, and nihilism is one of them. Call me picky but I can't deal with that shit. I can just picture the arguments we’ll have:
HER: Why the hell do we have to go to your stupid cousin’s birthday party?
ME: Because it’s important to me.
HER: Why is it important to you don’t you know that nothing has any value? Everything is meaningless so let’s just stay home and be depressed about it.
ME: You’re such a Debbie Downer!
HER: It’s called being a nihilist and this is exactly what I mean when I say you don’t respect my beliefs!
ME: What beliefs!? You don’t think anything has any meaning! That’s not a belief it’s called being lazy!!
HER: It is a belief! Everything is meaningless including this relationship!
ME: Ain’t that the truth!
HER: There is no truth.
ME: Ahhhhhh!!!!!!!!!
I looked her up on myspace and her interests included going to "black lung parties" I have no idea what that is but I have a feeling it's not meeting up to play scrabble.
-Almost every response I got the girl said she liked to "drink." I really don't care if a girl likes to drink. I like to drink. What worries me is when that's the first thing a girl tells me about herself. Big old warning flag. I like to drink is code for I like to get trashed. And I don't like to get trashed. Nor do I enjoy being with someone who is getting trashed. Tell me something interesting about yourself. Like, “I like anchovies on my pizza.” Or “I have an irrational fear of Dick Clark.” NOT “I like to drink.” Not only is it a warning flag for me but it is also booooring.
-This girl emailed me and told me she liked to go drinking and dancing. And that she was "Wild-but smart" Um. Ok, I know I don't know this person. I know I can't judge, but I've learned that when people describe themselves as "wild" its usually an excuse for them to do stupid shit. And doing stupid shit is ok every once in a while as long as you own up to it and don’t use the excuse, “Well, I’m just wild!!” Um. No you’re not. You’re just juvenile and stupid. Grow up.

Hahaha. I sound so bitter. But really, what can you expect from craigslist?

The good news is, today I totally got a good flirt in. I went to this bookstore near my apartment. It’s pretty much the most lesbian bookstore ever. They carry really great stuff and just a refreshing place to visit after going places like Borders or Barnes and Noble. They’re the kind of bookstore that make you feel like reading actually means something. And that picking out a book to read is meaningful. Which, I think it is. It always takes me FOREVER to decide what I want to get.
Anyway.
So I’m perusing the shelves of this bookstore.
And perusing.
And perusing.
Now, I already know there’s this one cute chick that works there. She’s helped me a couple times with books I needed for classes. But I go in there today and there’s another cute girl in there too. Really cute. And I can tell she’s new because the other cute girl is telling her things about the register and where to file books, ect.
So I pick up a book and I’m contemplating buying it because I haven’t read anything for myself in a while. I pick up “America’s Best Non-Required Reading” and carry that around for a little while. Then I spy Jeanette Winterson’s, “The Passion.”
Ok.
I love Jeanette Winterson. She’s a lesbian, but her work is not exclusively lesbian. Her work is absolutely beautiful. Her use of language is just incredible-literally leaves me speechless. Until I read her book, “Lighthousekeeping” I did not have a favorite book. I had books I liked, but nothing that really deserved to be called, “favorite.” Until I read that. Utterly incredible.
So, I pick up this book and I’m thinking about getting it. I read the first couple sentences and already I’m hooked. Winterson has a way of doing that to me in the first few sentences that way very few authors can.
So I carry that around for awhile, not ready to buy just yet.
I catch cutie’s eye and she smiles and I smile and she asks me if I’m finding everything ok and I say yes.
Then I see this book called, “Look Me In The Eye” by Augusten Burrough’s brother. It’s a book about his life with autism and I’ve pretty literally been waiting for this book to come out all summer. I pick it up and contemplate.
Which do I want more?
I read the first few sentences of “Look Me In The Eye.”
Definitely not Jeanette Winterson, but the book will probably be really interesting.
But it’s not Jeanette Winterson.
And since it just came out it’s in hardcover.
I may have to wait for paperback.
Plus, Jeanette Winterson could score me some conversation with cutie at the register.
So I go to pay…
CUTIE: Find something?
ME: Yup.
CUTIE: Oh, this is fabulous.
ME: Is it? I love Jeanette Winterson.
CUTIE: Oh then you’ll love this.
ME: Yeah, I read Lighthousekeeping and that was just amazing…it’s like my favorite book.
CUTIE: Yeah, she’s great. Is that all you’ve read by her?
ME: No, I’ve read Oranges Are Not The Only Fruit, too.
CUTIE: That’s a good one too.
ME: She’s just…fabulous.
CUTIE: I know. Ok. You’re all set.
ME: Thanks. Have a good one.
CUTIE: You too. Enjoy.

Ok. So maybe that wasn’t so much flirting as pleasant conversation. And I wish I were forward enough, or had the right kind of confidence to say to her, “Hey, how about we talk Winterson over coffee sometime?”
But I don’t.
And I don’t even know if that’s how women like to be approached.
Well, whatever.
In any case I know where she works and can always go back and say, “Hey, I love the book. What’s your favorite Winterson? What should I read next?”

HAHAHAHAHAHA.

Oh God.

I am going to die alone with forty cats.

And lest I sounds too snotty or picky from my commentary on my craigslist responses, I just have to say that really there are three things I absolutely need in a woman:
a) A kind heart.
b) Maturity.
c) A sense of humor. (aka not a nihilist)
Is that too much to ask?