Operation: Find Lesbians in the Suburbs

Ok.

So.

I'm here at a coffee shop in the suburbs, which according to a trusted source is an alleged lesbian hang out. Apparently, he was in here on several occasions and saw a group of, "Lez Magoos", as he calls them. He also alleges, that the "Lez Magoos" were speaking with one of the employees of the coffee establishment. Thus, an employee may be a "Lez Magoo" as well.

I asked him if he was sure they were in fact, "Lez Magoos" and he said he was. As a fellow homo, I do trust his gayday opinion.

So here I am staked out. As of yet I have seen nothing to lead me to believe there is any "Lez Magoo" activity here. Here's who's in the shop, right now:

Two business men on computers. Not lesbians.
Two girls my brothers age. Clearly straight. Not lesbians.
Four coffee shop employees. One of them is a dude. The other three are likely not lesbians.

...the stakeout continues...

Oh, oh, someone just walked in-
Crap.
Just a chic-looking-mom. Not a lesbian except for maybe one time in college.

So they're really nice at this coffee shop. There's no attitude here. They're just nice. I got a frozen-Mocha-thing. It's pretty good. Mochas are really hard. They have to be the exact right balance of sweet and savory. Actually, the hot mochas here are a little too sweet. There isn't enough coffee kick to them. But this thing is really good. Plus, it has whipped cream. Mm. It's a good thing there are no lesbians here because I'm making a mess of myself licking the whipped cream off my straw.

What else should I talk about while on this mission?? The prospects aren't looking too good for me, but I've only been here 15 minutes. I should note that this post is happening in real time (thanks to the invention of free wi-fi). Not that my other posts happen in fake time. But most of the time I'm talking about something that already happened. Not so here. You are right now in this moment with me. You are seeing the potential "Lez Magoos" walk in the door as a I do. And if someone looks potentially Lez-ish you will be there with me as-

SOMEONE WALKED IN!
...just an old man in a green shirt.

As I was saying. You will be there with me as I evaluate the sexuality of anyone that looks promising to determine if they are in fact gay or straight. And if I determine that they are in fact, a "Lez Magoo" you may even be there with me as I try and come up with ways to get her to talk to or notice me. Maybe I will drop my car keys on the way out the door and let her pick them up for me. Maybe I will compliment her on her choice of coffee shop beverage. If I were drinking alcohol right now, and not a mocha maybe I would even ask her if I could sample some of her drink and then do something seductive. At which point I would probably spill all over myself.
...Here's the thing about me, which I'll probably have to get over if I ever want to potentially get a date. I have no confidence in myself as a potential date. I don't think of myself as someone who could be attractive to someone else-

Holy crap the skinnest 30+ person I've ever seen just walked through the door. Seriously...I don't think I could have fit into this lady's jeans when I was 12. She looks like she's here with her sister. Her sister is no where near as skinny. I wonder if that makes her mad.

Back to what I was saying...yeah...no confidence. I mean I know I'm not ugly-

Oh two straight boys just walked in. They're flirting with the barista I thought was cute. Jerks.

Jeez. I keep getting interrupted. [On a side note: this is either going to be the best blog post ever or the worst blog post ever. I haven't decided which yet]. I guess I should emphasize here that I'm not one of those people that thinks I'm worthless and has really low self-esteem. 'Cause I don't. I'm just saying that when it comes to dating or expressing interest in someone I freeze up and-

One of the straight boys has an iphone. Now he's even more of a jerk. He's taking pictures of his friend with it. Put it away jerk, nobody cares that you have an iphone. Really-

Haha this blonde lady just walked in the door and totally flipped her hair. Probably for the straight boys with the iphone. She's probably jealous because now they straight boys are flirting with this other lady, who's probably old enough to be their mother. The straight boy is showing the lady his iphone. She seems impressed. Move along, Mrs. Robinson. Those boys are half your age-

Ok now a mom and her two daughters just walked in. One of them might be a lesbian later in life, but right now she's 15 and has to think Justin Timberlake is hot. Well-she actually looks more like a Fall Out Boy type of girl. She probably has to think one of those boys are hot-

WHAT??????
Holy, holy, holy, HOLY shit-

A Lez Magoo just walked in the door. I don't believe it . They do exist in the surburbs. She's not my type necessarily, but I wish I had her hair. And her jeans. And her t-shirt. I don't believe it. I don't believe it. I don't believe it.

She is cute. She seems really sweet-I can hear her talking to the barista. I wonder how old she is. She's my size-so she could be 21+ or 12. AND she's talking to the barista as if she knows her. She is talking to the barista I thought was cute.

It's all coming together.

...she's old enough to have a tattoo...

Shit now I am seriously nervous. I just started to bite my nails!

...She saw me.

...I wonder if she knows I'm gay.

What am I saying?

I look like fuckin' Harry Potter.

...She just stole a second glance at me. But that could just be my imagination.

I cannot believe it. Only here 45 mintues and the alleged Lez hangout DOES in FACT appear to have SOME lesbian activity outside of me.

...I have to hang out here more often. Good thing I work only a few blocks away.

Shit. I drank this whole mocha thing and now I really have to pee. Really bad. But I don't want to pack up my computer either.

Oh shit she smokes. But she said its a bad habit. I overheard her say she's meeting someone here. MORE lesbians?

I hope so.

This.

Is.

So.

Exciting.

HA! And here I am like sitting like an awkward creep in the corner writing a minute by minute blog about The Great American Suburban Lesbian Stake Out.

...ok, so she's back in from smoking. Damn. She sat in a chair facing away from me.

This is ridiculous. This blog post is officially over. I actually thought this blog would wind up being a hilarious look at how everyone in the suburbs is not a lesbian.

....now its turing into how awkward Amy is when other "Lez Magoos" are afoot.

Done and done.

I hope you've enjoyed this real time post. I will give any other details out later. I'm going to sign off before I make an ass of myself...