Confusing Ideas Since 1986: Amy's Bad Ideas Episdoe #1929294000443233

So I have a lot of bad ideas.

But this one was pretty horrible.

David and I went out tonight and we went to see Halloween.

Um, I'm home alone tonight.

For a sec I was like, "Oh this could be a bad idea. I don't handle scary movies too well and I'll be going home to a dark apartment all by myself tonight."

Then I was like, "Damn Amy, you're a grown woman. Put on your big girl underwear and go see this movie with David (who really wanted to see it).

So I did.

Now, let me be honest.

I probably only saw about 3/4 of the movie. The rest of the time I spent with my hood up over my head, my eyes clenched shut and my fingers in my ears. For real. I couldn't do it. I couldn't watch it. So the good part is...I really didn't see too much of the movie to totally freak me out. But I saw enough of Mike Myers standing in the shadows with that creepy ass mask that I'm sitting here with the lights on watching SNL: The Best Of Mike Myers to remind myself that sometimes Mike Myers doesn't want to brutally murder you...sometimes he just wants to make you laugh.
Schwing!
I'm hoping if I run into Mike Myers anytime soon he will be in the guise of Wayne Campbell and not...well, the murdering one with a butcher knife.

So every noise in the apartment is making me jump. But I've just thought of something:
-Nobody ever hears Mike Myers coming. Usually by the time you hear him you don't even have time to scream. So I can rest assured that whatever noises I'm hearing are NOT Mike Myers the crazed murder. You only hear Mike Myers if Mike Myers wants you to hear Mike Myers, therefore...Mike Myers is not the refrigerator noise.

I've also realized something else:
-I am not having sex right now. I'd say about 60% of the people in the movie got murdered right before/during/right after having sex. Thankfully, I have no sex plans tonight.
Phew.

I've also realized something else:
-At least to my knowledge, I was not orphaned as a baby when my older brother went on a muderous rampage, killing all in the family but me. Therefore, I should have no older brothers out to kill me. I don't think. But I'm not sure. I know there's some shady business in our family tree. And although I know it involves crazies, hopefully they're not the murdering psychopath kind.

....anyway. Kind of want to be done talking about Mike Myers.

So while we were waiting for the movie David and I played the would-you-do-it game. Basically his questions to me were framed like this:
"Ok, 20 million dollars, Natalie Portman loves you for the rest of your life...BUT [insert something ridiculous here] would you do it?"
And my questions to him were framed as follows:
"Ok, 20 million dollars, Anderson Cooper loves you for the rest of your life..BUT [insert somethign ridiculous here] would you do it?"

Here's what we figured out:

For 20 million dollars and Natalie Portman I would...
-Not have my vision (let's face it, it's going that way anyway)
- Give my left arm
- Live with David and his boyfriend Anderson Cooper in a 2 bedroom apartment with paper thin walls for the rest of my life

For 20 million dollars and Natalie Portman I would NOT...
- Live in the closet
- Do it with a dude
- Live in the boonies of Baton Rouge, Lousinana with no internet and no ability to travel anywhere-ever.
- Let my puppy be run over by a tractor (even though David assured me it would be quick and I would not have to watch it. I couldn't do that to a puppy!)
- Live with President Bush as president of the United States for the rest of my life
- Live with President Bush as president for another term (hey, I got a responsibilty to other Americans on this one)
- Give up theatre
- Listen to Air Bud the movie 24 hours a day, six days a week for the rest of my life

When it was my turn to ask David we figured out the only thing her would NOT do for 20 million dollars and Anderson Cooper was to work in a Old People Home.

Here's a good conversation I had with David at dinner tonight
DAVID: I'm so excited for Halloween!
ME: I know!! What are you going to be??
(Pause)
(Pause)
DAVID: No...Halloween the movie.
(Pause)
ME: Oh yeah. That one we're going to see tonight.
DAVID: Good job.

NEW RULE FOR AMY IN LIFE: Amy is only allowed to see scary movies when she has someone to go home with. Hopefully, as much as as loves her gay boyfriend, David...it will be her gay girlfriend. Hopefully, it will be her Natalie Portman girlfriend: