So...I'm in this class called Voice and Diction, right? And right now what we're doing is just sort of listening to everyone's voice. What that means is: we have to get up in front of the class, talk about where we're from, what we like or don't like about our voice, what we want to get out of the class, what our career goals are, and if we have any history of vocal problems. THEN we have to do a monologue. THEN...*Cue the dramatic music*...we have to sing a song.
It's not a big deal, it's just so the prof and the class can hear our voices...
But dear God I don't sing.
Guys...I'm uh...what's that thing called?
Oh yeah...tone deaf.
I'm so so scared.
Man, I can monologue till the cows come home, but singing...
Yikes.
I've sung in front of people before.
The first time was in Les Mis. I played Gavroche and sang "Little People."
And the answer to your question is, yes. Yes it was the cutest thing in the world.
And the other time I sung in front of people was in college, I sang a random song in a Shakespeare play...it was painfully bad because I couldn't just sing it like a cute little french boy who gets riddled with bullets, I had to actually sing it for real. I was so scared every night and it just was bad. There was this high note at the end I could never quite hit...uh...it's one of those things I think about and just...shake my head. But really, it's sort of hard to feel good about what you're doing onstage when you look like this:
Pat Benatar? What?
ANYWAY
So I have to sing a song.
I'm scared.
I'm intimidated.
I have so much respect and admiration for people who can sing...I WISH I could sing...but alas, alas.
I mean I sing at the top of my lungs in the car...
...but that's really the wrong way to sing. You have to sing with the air in your belly. Not in your lungs.
Anyway...
I really don't know what to sing.
I'm certainly not going to sing anything from a musical because I just don't have that capacity...I need something easy and simple. Here's what I've come up with...they're all pretty easy and can pretty much be done at whatever pitch (is that the right word?):
a) Hey Jude
b) I Want You (Tom Waits)
c) Luck Be A Lady Tonight
I'm putting it to a vote. Let me know what you think I should sing. Or if you have a suggestion, here are the criteria:
a) Easy
b) Easy
c) Something that I won't totally and completely ruin.
Here's the Tom Waits song if you don't know it. Personally, I love it because it's beatiful and simple and short and sweet:
Aw. So good.
Anyway.
I have to sing.
I am bad at singing.
Oh boy, am I freaking out a little. Singing this simple little song scares me than the theatre performance I have to put together...
Speaking of that!
It's going pretty well. Right now I'm exploring a couple options I'm really excited about. I'm going to have a hard time deciding...Bascially, right now the rough premise for the performance-
Ok I won't bore you with it. If you're interested, ask me and I might talk your ear off an hour.
What else did I have to talk about? I feel like I had a lot to say and now...
OH!
The other night I had a dream about chocolate. No, really...I did.
I had a dream that my favorite chocolate bars (Cadbury Dairy Milk) were on sale 10 for 10 dollars at the store.
So the only logical thing to do the next morning after I woke up from this wonderous
sleepy time fantasy was to go to the grocery store.
Alas, they weren't on sale.
So I bought two and a Diet Pepsi and called it breakfast. (No, I didn't really eat the chocolate for breakfast but I did have to excercise a fair amount of restraint.)
Is it bad when you start dreaming about chocolate?
I mean...I suppose it's better than the reoccurring dreams I have about being shot.
Yeah...
I would much rather dream about chocolate.
I wouldn't object to ponies prancing through my mind at night either.
OH!
So there's this lady and she's trying to sell me Mary Kay makeup.
Um.
Seriously?
Have you taken a look at me lately??!
I look like freakin' Harry Potter. I'm way too far gone to ever be helped by the likes of Mary Kay.
But I don't think I've worn makeup since the high school Prom.
Unless I'm onstage when I wear makeup I feel like I'm in drag. So unles you're trying to help me become the most un-fabulous drag queen ever...I don't want to buy your crap.
I can't afford it anyway, so don't waste your time.
Look, I know that crap could "really bring out my eyes" and I could "be so pretty if I just tried."
I've heard it all before sister, and I'm just not interested.
Admittedly, I have a stigma about Mary Kay ladies.
My Dad told me stories about being in the chemo room with my mom and they'd be there trying to sell makeup to patients feeling like and going through hell.
Now I realize most Mary Kay ladies would not sink so low as to show up to a chemo room with every damn hair on their head in place and in tact and with perfectly applied makeup to try and sell makeup to woman who are being injected with a medicine that ravages mind, body, and spirit.
I'm just saying...I have a stigma.
And I have a stimga when people try to "make me pretty."
"Just try! You might like this glitter moonlight passion mango eye shadow! You have such lovely eyes, it's a shame to waste them by not bringing them out!"
You think I'm kidding, and while I am being tongue-in-cheek...it's happened to me before and it really fries my nerves
I don't have to. I don't want to.
I'm not "pretty" like you think I should be and I never will be so there.
So I'll take a pass on the "mambo berry bora bora sunrise lipstick" but I wouldn't be opposed to dating your daughter.
How do you like me now?
I'm not saying I think all Mary Kay ladies are cold heartless bitches...
I'm just saying...the pursuit of a pink Cadillac can lead even the finest souls astray.
Pink never was my color, HOWEVER if I were trying to attain a winged pony...I might be tempted to sell makeup to chemotheraphy patients too.
...oh wait, no I wouldn't.
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