The Bad Thing - RESULTS POST

Ok. So. It's time to announce the winner of the Find The Bad Thing contest.

DISCLAIMER: This post is either going to be hilarious OR make me look like a huge ass. Let's find out, shall we?

First, let's review the entries...

DAVID
Ugg...the bad thing would be if she can't get a refund for that dress!

ANONYMOUS
Is it the fact that her top clover is blue? Man this is hard!

ANONYMOUS
one eyebrow is tweezed nicely and the other is not

CARLY #1
Her neckerchief is blue and not green?

CARLY #2
WAIT! I revoke my last comment.
The "bad" thing is that she has the Barbie disease: her waist is too small to be able to support her upper torso given the ridiculously disproportionate size of her bosom. She wouldn't be able to stand erect.

ANONYMOUS
Clearly the bad thing is that her arms have turned purple and her hands have fallen off. Poor thing!

ANONYMOUS
got it! she spelled find wrong! it's not spelled fiend
woo hoo!!

JEFF
I have two schools of thought on this:
1) She has no nose.
2) The bad thing just might be that grown people are spending their important time looking at a drawing by a child in search of a "bad thing", which may or may not actually exist.

Ok, I'm going to pick the winner out of these EVEN THOUGH the majority were submitted anonymously. So...I guess if I pick yours and you submitted anonymously, you'll just have to know in your little heart that you won. Because even if you came forward now and was all like, "Hey! That was my guess!" We'd have no way to prove it. And I'd just think you wanted the prize.
Ok.
First.
Before announcing the winner...
...I will reveal what the bad thing ACTUALLY is.
(Did I mention my game show host idol is Ryan Seacrest?)

What can you deduce from this?
I'm going to drag this out as long as possible.

HERE


WE


GO





I mean, come on guys really?! SO obvious.



COMMERCIAL BREAK!





Ok, before we get to the prize...
HONORABLE MENTIONS
Ok...but I have to commend Carly on her use of the word "neckerchief." Carly, that is an awesome word and very nearly made YOU the winner, but frankly neckerchiefs can't compete with purple arms and hands falling off.

Also...honorable mention to the "one eyebrow is tweezed nicely and the other is not" guess...you almost won just because I think it is awesome that you thought a 5 year old would have a concept of well tweezed eyebrows.

HOLY CRAP!

GUESS WHAT?!?!

IT IS FREAKIN' PRIZE TIME!


Ok!
Anonymous winner
HERE
IS
YOUR
PRIZE....
Only anonymous winner may proceed beyond this point...Thank you everyone for playing. I hope you enjoyed the contest and this results blog post!


Ok...ready anonymous?! Come with me...




Come on...



Don't be scared, it's your prize...


Keep going...




A little further....(we don't want anyone else to see your awesome PRIZE)









All right, you still with me?






OK




Your




Prize





Is





Right






Here:


Thank me later.

Early Morning Blog-Sans Coffee

So today's early morning blog is being blogged sans coffee. The cafe is not open yet. And I did not have any time to make some before leaving the house this morning.
...That's a lie.
I just didn't feel like washing out my travel mug, ok?
That probably makes me a bad person or something.

We'll see how this post sans coffee goes...

So, I really like sitting in this building by the lake.
Being by the lake makes me feel like I live by the ocean.
I like the ocean.
Maybe one day I will live by a real ocean and not just a lake that reminds me of an ocean.

So it turns out...I may have been a bit premature in making the jump from "coat" to "puffy vest".
My arms are cold.
But at least I can put my arms down (name that movie).

So it turns out...I'm really hungry right now.
...But I left my fruit snacks on the counter. Damn it!
So The first time I typed "snacks" I mistyped it as "snakes". AH! I just shuddered a little bit.
I am real glad there are no fruit snakes in my house. If you don't already know: snakes freak me the hell out. I was nearly attacked* by a snake when I was younger, so I have you know...issues.
Maybe one day I will go to therapy or the Maury Povich show and overcome my fear. But for now...I just wish they didn't exist.
I don't care what anyone says...snakes DO NOT exist in Chicago and that's why I live here.
No snakes.
I probably couldn't live in Australia.
Not only do they have snakes but they have the kind of snakes that will break into your home, steal your babies, bite you in the ass and inject you with poison that makes you drool out the side of your mouth for the rest of your life and then just to be jerks...they bash in your mailbox with a baseball bat and spray paint the world "tool" on your garage door.
Is it a bad sign that this situation is so clear to me in my head?

*When I say "nearly attacked" I basically mean I turned around and saw this snake looking at me. But there was hate in his eyes I swear.
Ok.
I should probably just tell the full story now huh?
I'm like...seven.
I'm in Florida at my grandparent's condo.
There's a sidewalk with bushes on either side.
I am seven and I like things like lizards.
Under one of these bunches is a bunch of chameleons.
I am bent down watching the chameleons with my back to the other bush.
Suddenly I get the feeling I am being watched.
I turn around...
And coming out from the other bush, pretty much ready to crawl down my pants
WAS A VICIOUS DEADLY SNAKE**!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I screamed.
And screamed.
And ran upstairs to get my Dad.
Who came down with me
Just as Mr. Jerk Face (what I named him) was slithering back into his stupid Jerk Face hole in the ground.
And that is the story of why I am afraid of snakes.
Terrifying, no?
Also since the incident I now harbor an extreme mistrust of chameleons.

**By vicious deadly snake I mean...likely a black garden snake.




Oh man...coffee is probably a good idea. I can't be rehashing painful stories from my childhood this early in the morning without some sort of caffeine.

Don't forget....
Time is running out on the Find The Bad Thing contest! All guesses must be guessed by TOMORROW!!!! As of right now I have five guesses guessed. There is a prize involved! Don't forget that crucial bit of information.

QUOTE OF THE DAY

Today's quote of the day comes to us from a small child in Target via David, who overhead the child...
CHILD: Mom, there's 120 crayons in this box. That's a lot of crayons!
MOM: Yes it is.
CHILD: But mom...that's like a lifetime of crayons!!
DAVID: I want my kid to say things like that. Cutest ever.

Points

POINT:
- One month until the semester is over.
- One month and one day until The New Play Festival.
- One month and three days until performance of one person show.
- Roughly one month until screenplay is due.
- One month with more work hours than usual.
All good things. But excuse me for a moment while I say, "yipes!"

POINT:
So, the videos I embed in this blog I post to youtube first, right? They don't make much sense out of context. And on my "youtube" page I explain that they're meant for this blog and have a link and such. Recently, I've had people "subscribe" to my youtube videos. Usually the name is something like this: xXxJessicaxXx and it has a link to her special little website, usually something like xxxxBlackBookxxxx.com or something. And her profile says something like, "Check out my pictures guys!" Um. Should I be worried if girls from porn sites are subscribing to my youtube videos? It's probably a viral-spam thing (?) BUT let's face it...they could also be trying to recruit my hot bod. Here is what I think happened:
One of these girls saw one my videos. And said to themselves, "Oh my the world needs to see this girl with her clothes off. I'm going to subscribe to her videos and make her my new BFF."

POINT:
As I type this post I'm sitting in the Information Commons. It's 7:30 am there are maybe two other people in here. Of the two of them one of them is sitting right next to me. Ok, look...I'm generally a people person. I like people. But it kinda weirds me out that this dude walked in and decided to pick the computer right next to me instead of one of the, oh, 30 or so others he could have picked from-just on this floor. And I can smell him. He's clean. He clearly just got out of the shower. Bad news? He uses Axe. I know these things. I have a 19 year old brother. Sorry dude. Your axe body wash does not make me want to jump all over you like in the commercials. Au contraire, whether it's good or bad-I don't like boy smell. At all.

POINT:
Don't forget to play the Find The Bad Thing contest. (Can I just interject here and say how much I love hyperlinks?) As of right now, I only have two guesses guessed. REMEMBER you don't necessarily have to be right to win. I will probably just pick the most ridiculous answer because that's just the way I roll. Let's say I'll announce the winner Friday? So have your guesses guessed by Friday! The prize is going to be awesome. And by awesome I of course mean ridiculous and probably awkward.

POINT:
I've started drinking coffee in the morning. I suppose this is better than Diet Coke.

POINT (An addition to yesterday's post about bookstore girl):
Bookstore girl, if you read this blog (duh, everyone reads this blog)and if you were hitting on me and not just trying to be a good salesperson (duh, everyone hits on me): I am not interested. Sorry. October was a long time ago. It's not that I'm fickle (Whoa, at first I mistyped that as "fuckle" I'm sorry if it's really 15 year old boy of me but that's just really funny) it's just that I have moved on, bookstore girl. You should move on too. Clearly, I could not and did not spend the days of October - Now wondering what you do and where you go (name that musical). I'm sorry if you've been pining for me. But soon there may be naked pictures of me on the Internet because porn stars are subscribing to my youtube videos and trying to recruit me into their web (HA! PUN!) of sexy (blech)-so...go look at those? Ew, no don't that freaks me out. Also, it sorta weirds me out that you remembered me. It's not cute. It might have been cute at say, maybe the end of October. Or beginning of Novemeber. But now it's just weird. The statute of limitations on remembering me has passed, bookstore girl. It has passed.
...hahaha...fuckle.

POINT:
If I could learn anything in the world, well I would learn several things:
a) How to play either the guitar or piano (or cello or violin) (or drums)
b) How to sail (like a boat)
OR WHAT I REALLY WANT TO LEARN...
c) How to be a silks acrobat!!!
...you think I'm kidding, but really...I'm not. I think there should be a week set aside each year where people can go learn something totally outside themselves if they want. And maybe they suck, but judgement is put aside for a half second and people just get to learn and do things they never thought they would or could do...In the magical random kindgom of Queen Random Amy...

POINT:
We have to figure out a location for the magical Random kingdom. Let me know if want to live there. Also, let me know where and how we can aquire unicorns. And how to make laser beams shoot out of their horns.

POINT:
Blogs that I blog (yes, I just said that) early in the morning while drinking coffee are fun huh?

POINT:
Now I need to go to class.

POINT:
Have a super day.

Getting Hit On (Or At The Very Least Checked Out) (Or Not At All) OR The Most Rambling Post There's Been in A While

So David and I went to a bar this weekend. One of our faves-Ts. They have good food and good drinks and it's all around a fun place to hang out. It's where they show The L Word on Sunday nights and is a favorite hang out in the little gay neighborhood I live in.
So we go there at 11:15 on a Saturday night. And the place is crawling with lesbians.
Ok.
I like bars for hanging out with friends, having fun conversation, drinking and eating. Basically, when I go to a bar I'm going for who I'm with not who I could potentially be with, yeah?
To be more precise and succinct: I do not think I could nor would I ever want to pick some one up at a bar. It's just not my style. And if that means I die alone with 40 cats because I refused to pick someone up at a bar, I'm okay with that.
That AND I'm very easily overwhelmed in bar atmospheres unless I'm at a table with friend(s).
a) Because I'm small and feel like I could be swallowed up into a crowd and
b) Because I can't hear well
So upon entering a bar I'm almost immediately self-conscious and guarded until I'm safely on a stool or at a table with a friend.
That AND...
I'm not a person who plays games.
a) I'm WAY too oblivious to play games and
b) I think "game playing" involves a certain amount of 'acting' for some people it's natural...for me, it's not. The only acting I do is on the stage, so...whatever. Have I played games before? Oh yes. Ask me to tell the story it's kind of hilarious but on the other hand is totally NOT me or who I am. But still...kind of funny. It may or may not go down in life as one of the slickest things I've ever done, but in the end is not a moment that will go down as one of my proudest moments either. Some people are meant to be slick. I was meant to be an awkward nerd who pushes up her glasses every five minutes and says random things about ponies
Anyway. I feel like bar-cruising is a like one big mass who-am-I-taking-home-tonight game and just...you know, isn't my style. I mean aside from the fact I'm not a one night stand kinda girl (Not an L Word Lesbian, it takes more to get me to bed than a smoldering look, sorry) I just don't like that whole sort of "hunt" attitude that goes with cruising at a bar. And if you want to play games with me, they'd better be one of the following: Apples to Apples, Scrabble, Uno, Cranium, Phase 10 or Jenga. Sorry. That had better be a pack of cards in your pocket if you're planing to flirt with me because Amy don't play any other type of game. Capeesh?

ANYWAY. Jesus. We are getting off track.

All this too say...I went to this bar with David Saturday night. I was checked out by two women. Like, hardcore stared at. They were probably over the age of 40.
Nice.
Sorry ladies. I am here with my boyfriend.
Move along. Really, 40 year olds? If you were straight, I could be your daughter. So just...stop staring at me please. You're freaking me out, and your hair style is a hot mess.

RANDOM DIVERSION....
Funny moment from that night:
David ponies up to the bar to order us drinks before we find place to sit. He asks me what I want. I say a Blue Moon. He tells the bartender. The bartender says something to David.
DAVID: What does that mean?
Bartender points to a pint glass and then to a bigger mug or double pint glass. David turns back to me.
DAVID: Small or Large?
ME: Small.
DAVID: (turns to the bartender) Large.
Thanks David. I nursed that huge ass things that was literally the size of my head all night long. I was not drunk, but I was certainly very happy at the end of the night.
Can I just say how delicious Blue Moon is at a bar?? It's served at exactly the right temperature. Perfect. So good.

So...ok. So that happened.
And then today.
This...

Ok.
First.
Read this post from October 3, 2007. The last part when I talk about the bookstore is the important part.
Ok?
So after that day I went to the bookstore a bunch of times to maybe try and talk with this girl again. But every time I went she wasn't there. So I sort of forgot about her. And when I did go to the bookstore and she was there I was never sure if she was the one I talked to or not.
ANYWAY.
Today...
I go to this same book store because I have to get a children's book for my Voice and Diction class. As our final project we're working on reading/creating voices and characters for children's stories.
So I peruse the selection of kids books.
Finally deciding on one called Princesses Are Not Quitters.
I know, classy, right?
I wanted to do the one about the gay penguins but there really aren't enough characters in that one.
Nor in the book The Boy Who Cried Fabulous. I wanted to do that one so bad. But it just didn't meet the criteria.
*Sigh*
Oh well...Princesses Are Not Quitters is kind of fabulous too.
So as is my habit I wander around the bookstore for a while, pretty much wanting to buy everything. But I don't really want to spend too much money and I don't have time to read anything...so I just head to the counter with Princesses Are Not Quitters.
Right?
So.
I put my purchase on the counter.
The girl at the register begins to ring up my penetrating purchase Princesses Are Not Quitters.
Now, let me preface this by saying: it had just been "one of those" series of about 24 hours. Not that anything totally bad happened, but just...you know. So I'm sorta tired and mildly cranky. I'm wearing my big skull cap because it's sorta cold and my hair was just...blah. I'd been fighting a headache all day. You know. Just sort of one of those "blah" kinda days.
She looks at me and goes...
GIRL: You're the one who bought Winterson a while ago, right?
ME ON THE INSIDE: WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT?! How the hell do you remember that?! Wasn't that like...October?! My hair was longer than, I'm wearing a hat now...how the HECK-
ME FOR REAL: Um. Yeah. That was me.
GIRL: Which one was it again?
ME: The Passion.
GIRL: How did you like it?
ME: Oh I loved it.
GIRL: It's great isn't it?
ME: Oh yeah. Lighthousekeeping is still my favorite though.
GIRL: Really?
ME: Yeah.
GIRL: She's got a new one out you know.
ME: Oh yeah?
GIRL: Just out this week. It's still in hardcover. It's called The Stone Gods.
ME: Yeah?
(Pause)
ME: Have you read it?
GIRL: Oh yeah! I read it the first night it came out straight through.
ME: Was it good?
GIRL: It was pretty good. It's a little different from her other stuff. It's set in the future and has her common themes-you know love, desire-
ME ON THE INSIDE: Holy crap!?! Am I being hit on over Jeanette Winterson?!?? COULD I BE ANY MORE LESBIAN?!??!?!?!?! AHH! I'm so awkward and stuff.
GIRL: But it also is a commentary on the environment and what we're doing to the earth.
ME: Wow sounds great. I'll have to check that out.
GIRL: And you know about the myth series right?
ME: (Quizzical look)
(Girl comes out from around counter and heads over to a section of books. Picks one up and shows me)
GIRL: They asked a bunch of authors to rewrite myths. And Winterson did one-Weight. It's the story of Atlas. So she wrote this book that will probably be in a series of about 27 I think. All myths written by famous authors...Atwood...
ME: Wow. That's really awesome.
(We sort of start to walk away)
GIRL: Oh, I'm Gertrude*, I don't know if I've ever-
(She puts out her hand)
ME: I'm Amy.
(We shake hands)
ME: Well, I'll definitely be back to check out that Winterson stuff. Thanks for letting me know.
GERTRUDE: Yeah, have a great day.
ME: You too. I'll be back soon to pick something up.
(I walk out)
WHAT?!
WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT?!?!?!?!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

*Names have been changed to protect the innocent...come on...you never know who reads your blog. I'm a blogger...duh, famous.


Ok.
There I've thought about it and decided there's no way she was hitting on me:
a) I looked like crap (like fell of the lesbian train and hit every branch on the way down)
b) It's her job to sell people stuff

...but she remembered me?
From October?
Should I be weirded out?
Or is this just good customer service?
WHAT?!

I have decided I am the Queen of Random. If you would like to come live me in my magical random kingdom, please do. There will be unicorns. Although, since this is the kingdom of Random, their horns will also shoot laser beams.





So yesterday was Easter.
My brother came over and I cooked dinner for us and then we watched Borat.
I have the best brother ever.
He brought me a chocolate bunny and said, "Everyone should have chocolate on Easter."
Aw. Brother. I love you.

QUOTE OF THE DAY

MEGHAN: You and your brother are the cutest brother-sister couple ever.

P.S. Bad Thing Contest Rule Change

I've decided to change the rules to the "Find The Bad Thing Contest."

To win...you don't necessarily have to guess "right."

That is to say I am a fan of the ridiculous and will probably be easily swayed by the most ridiculous answer.

Don't forget...there's a PRIZE.

New Soul

Um...this may or may not be my new favorite...the video is great too:


Yes. It is the song from the new macbook air ad. But it's really good isn't it? She's got a lot of stuff on youtube if you want to check her out, some of the stuff I like even better than this. But "New Soul" seemed appropriate for Easter...'cause Jesus is all rising and stuff. Right? And there are...bunnies and chicks? And chocolate? And everything is new? Right? I've got some of this Easter stuff down, right guys?

How am I going to celebrate Easter, you ask?
My brother is coming over. I am going to cook dinner and we are going to watch Mystic River. Yes. Mystic River. Because nothing says "Jesus is risen from the dead!" quite like a Clint Eastwood movie about murder and sexual abuse. Hooray! (But we are going to eat this crazy mashed potato chicken dish I make. That's vaguely more appropriate, right?)


CRAPPY YAHOO HOROSCOPE FOR TODAY
Are you feeling like you're stuck in a rut? You have the power to dig yourself out.

Once again thanks yahoo horoscope. Thanks a lot. While you're up there being an asshole, mind throwing me a shovel, jerk?


QUOTES OF THE DAY

So Meghan and I are pretty much the same person. We can complete each other sentences. We think the same things. And oddly, we seem to sort of go through certain things in life at the same time. So we were discussing this fact today over AIM and then this happened. Notice the time stamp:
ME (11:24:27 AM): i should have chicken analyze our star signs or whatever
MEGHAN (11:24:29 AM): what does chicken say about our zodiac signs as friends...isn't it different for friends versus lovahs

So of course I sent an email to chicken post haste. Chicken knows a lot about astrology and stuff, so we'll see what she says.


DAVID: All women have a little bit of crazy in them. Every one of them. All crazy. I don't know what it is...like having to wear heels all their life...or like bad cotton in a tampon. I don't know what makes them crazy but they all are.
AMY: Aw, David that hurts my heart a little.
DAVID: I say a lot of things that hurt your heart.

P.S. Don't forget to look at the last post and play the "Guess the Bad Thing" contest!!!!

Find The Bad Thing

So I my boss gave me this drawing a little girl made for me with explicit directions that I was to find what was wrong with the picture. I was supposed to "Find The Bad Thing" (as the directions clearly state). The girl who made this is about five. My boss drew the woman for her but the girl colored everything in. Can you find the bad thing?



How adorable is that?


So I'm thinking of making this a game...
Post what you think the "bad thing" is. You do not have to be a member of blogger to post comments to my blog so whoever you are, wherever you are, whenever you are, you can GUESS.
If you win...you will get a mystery prize.
So guess if you like and I'll post the answer and winner (if there is one, the bad thing is pretty hard to spot) in a few days. We'll see how this goes. Maybe I'll make contests a regular thing on Confusing Ideas if this goes well. In order for it to go well you have to PLAY!

Mostly Just a Post of Jokes

So earlier this week I performed a small portion of the one woman show I'm working on. (This is the independent-study-documentary-theatre-thing I've mentioned a few times). Anyway. It went pretty well, I'm really excited about where my work is going. Woo-hoo! Also, we have nailed down a date for performance. So if you'd like to come, let me know and I'll supply the details. My classmates are doing pieces on Jane Austen and Nikola Tesla. I am doing a performance on religion and sexuality in the south. It's all going to be fab.


QUOTE OF THE DAY or BAD JOKE DAY AT THE BOX OFFICE

JOE: Why does the Easter Bunny hide all the eggs?
ME: Cause that's what Jesus wanted?
JOE: Because he doesn't want anyone to know he's dating a chicken.

JEFF: Why do gorillas have big fingers?
ME: Why?
JEFF: Because they have big nostrils.

JOE: What did the fish say when it hit a wall?
ME: Ouch?
JOE: Damn.

JOE: What did the caveman say when his dog fell off a cliff??
JOE: Dog gone.

A Live Weather Report

Composed Upon The Day After St. Patrick's Day

So...since my last post I've basically learned that St. Patrick was probably a huge a jerk.

Great.

Just, great.

I suppose the next thing you're going to tell me is that Christopher Columbus didn't discover America and make BFFs with the Native Americans.

Psh. I know what's written in the history books. Don't tell me history is rewritten by the powerful elite. Because books don't lie. I mean, how could they...they're books!?




...Christmas is cool though, right? I can keep Christmas, right?? RIGHT?!? Oh please don't tell me baby Jesus was actually a racist who berated and beat the crap out of the inn keeper after he was born and then punched out an innocent goat who happened to be in the stable with him.

WAIT!

OMG!
SANTA?!??
THE EASTER BUNNY?!
THE TOOTH FAIRY?!!!!!??????????
...ARBOR DAY MAN???

They were all actually communists, weren't they?


My world is crashing down.
Excuse me now I must ball into the fetal position under my desk and cry.











I apologize for the above post. It's eary and I haven't had enough coffee yet.

In other news...I'm sitting right by the lake and I can't see it because of the fog. Whoa.



In other other news...methinks tis the hour for mas coffee.

Composed Upon A St. Patrick's Day

Well, Top O The Morning To Ye.

It's pretty much St. Patrick's Day.

I won't be drinking any green beer.
Or Guinness.

BUT
I did wear me little paper boy hat today
And a green sweater
And green shoes

The ensemble pretty much spells: Irish.

You'll all be happy to know I am, in fact, a little bit Irish.
Like, actually, legitimately a little bit Irish.
Not just, "Everyone's a little bit Irish on St. Patrick's Day, even Eskimos."
I am straight up Irish-blooded.
Me grandma's family was from the Emerald Isle. With a last name like, "Byrne" it's sorta hard not be Irish.
And my Irish heritage is further proved by my fair and freckled skin.
And the fact that it's possible I'm part leprechaun. Except, I got the short end of the stick (Pun intended. Is that even a pun or just clever wit?)in my leprechaun-ness in that the only markable traits I have of this heritage is my height and general sprightliness. I've got no magic. And certainly no pot of gold. And at the moment, no cereal peppered with marshmellows. (Peppered with marshmellows?)


So, if I may I'd like to share a fond memory I have of a St. Patrick's day past.
(Oh by the way, St. Patrick? Pretty much my hero. Any person who can drive snakes off an entire island wins my love and affection. I hate snakes. He probably should have just gone ahead and driven them off the face of the earth because they're gross and scary and I hate them. One day I will tell you of the fearful encounter I had with a snake. It pretty much scarred me for life and is why I am so afraid of snakes today).

ANYWAY.
Back to a fond memory of a St. Patrick's day past...
So my mom was a kindergarten teacher, right?
And every year on St. Patrick's day she would over turn the the children's chairs and generally make a mess of the room. Then she would sprinkle glitter from down the hallway and into the room and all around the room. Also, she would put green footprints over the tables and stuff. And then when the kids came she would tell them that a leprechaun had been in the room. She would say she went out to make copies and came back and the room was in it's state of disarray. And the kids would get wide-eyed excited and then they would all have to find the "pot of gold" the leprechaun had hidden in the room. So cute. AND because my brother and I would go to school with my mom early in the morning, she would always find some way to get us out of the room while she leprechaun-i-fied the room so WE would think there was really a leprechaun too. Awesome.

Ok...here's another St. Patrick's day memory. One time, my brother decided he was going to build a leprechaun trap so as to, get this, trap a leprechaun. I don't rememeber exactly how it worked, but I think it involved pennies (bait) and a plastic tub propped up by a drumstick (the kind for banging on things not the chicken kind) which could then be pulled out by a sting, thus trapping the leprechaun in the plastic tub. My brother apparently wanted to trap the leprechaun and then demand the leprechaun take him to his pot of gold. Seriously. And then I guess my brother would do something like buy a buttload of Big League Chew. Well, my mom...being the generally awesome and clever mom that she was, tripped my brother's leprechaun trap while he slept and placed under the the lip of the box, a "torn" piece of green fabric. So as to look like the leprechaun had almost been caught, but escaped without a significant portion of his coat.
My brother thought for a long time that he had almost caught a leprechaun.
Awesome.

Those are me memories of St. Patrick's Days past. Hope you enjoyed readin' them as much as I enjoyed remembering them.



So...
Chicken played this song today in the box office:

CHICKEN: Aw, it's like you're theme song Maximus
ME: Why?
CHICKEN: 'Cause it's talking about love.
Aw. I think it's the nicest theme song suggestion I've ever gotten.
And I kinda like the song too. Aw. It makes me feel fuzzy inside. Here's a good lyric:
"Look into your heart and you'll find love love love
Listen to the music of the moment maybe sing with me
I like peaceful melodys
It's your God-forsaken right to be loved love loved love love"
Aw. I'm all fuzzy. What a good song!


QUOTE OF THE DAY

Me and Chicken are listening to Alicia Key's "No One" in the box.
CHICKEN: I love this song. It's so good. It makes you just want to get up and love somebody.
ME: Chicken! You're so full of loving today!
CHICKEN: It's St. Patrick's Day!
Yes, Chicken. It certainly is.

This Post Couldn't Be Anymore Random If It Tried

Oh man. So many random things to comment upon today. So little time.
First of all.
I work in a box office. Sometimes, people leave things in the box office that they are not allowed to bring in the theatre. And then sometimes they forget to pick this stuff up.
Like, doggie bags from restaurants.
Or as I learned today...





Sombreros from the mexican restaurant down the street:

Selling tickets to old people is clearly serious business. More so, when you have on a sombrero.





That last statement is a lie...

Please join me in a Mexican hat dance while I sell you tickets to next Saturdays show. Arriba!

Maximus And Chicken:

Two lone desperados on the ticket selling plain. (And we're starting a mariachi band. I am going to play that one guitar that is the biggest because I am a fan of the absurd. Chicken is going to play the trombone).


Ok. Enough about sombreros. So. You may know I have this dog. Here name is Molly. I would just love to post tons and tons of pictures of her. But it is hard to take pictures of her. For several reasons:

a) She's fast
b) She doesn't like having her picture taken
c) She's smart so she's not convinced when you're like, "Come here I've got a treat" she's like "Bitch, I see the camera behind your back. Also, I'm smarter than you"
d) She's got black fur and black eyes and is generally just a giant fuzz ball

BUT the other day I was taking some snapshots of her and I captured this gem:

Oh. Man. I caught her post yawn for the priceless little snapshot. Buck teeth? Vampire Dog? Gremlin? What? My brother and I laughed so hard we were pretty much crying.
You know what's awesome about pets?
They can't get mad at you for posting hilariously unattractive picture of them on the internet.
Granted, I still think she is super cute in this picture.

AND just to prove I'm not so heartless. Here is a picture of my dog doing what she does best: looking so cute you'd probably do anything she asked you to do:


Also...
Um.
I may or may not have submitted the first picture to Cute with Chris. If you don't know, Cute with Chris is a hilarious internet show about puppies and kittens. Maybe Molly will be a featured pet! AND if she is, mayhaps she will be voted the CUTEST. Really, with a picture like that...who WOULDN'T think she's cute?!
Here is what I said to Chris:

Hi Chris,
I think your show is pretty awesome. It makes me laugh and puts a smile on my heart, and I'm not even a teenage girl. Nope, I'm a fan from your 20 something lesbian contingent. I took this picture of my dog the other day. Thought it might put a smile on your heart. Her name is Molly and she is a toy poodle. We think she's pretty special.
Amy
22, Chicago

I'll certainly keep you updated if I hear anything and/or if Molly is featured on the show.



QUOTES OF THE DAY

Brother's facebook status. After we got into a facebook wall war...
JIM: yes me and my sister are crazy mother fuckers.

On my facebook wall...
JIM: now lets play a game its called amy can't write on jimmys wall for 2 days!!!!

ARIANA: i don't know, but i'm just telling you legitimately, there's a woman talking to herself over there

BART: Don't you know you have to concentrate when there are pretty boys around?

Not Dirty Thoughts...Theatre, Gender and LIFE thoughts

So...I've been thinking a lot about vaginas lately.


...Um.
Perhaps I should amend that statement.
I've been thinking a lot about the content of The Vagina Monologues lately.
Ok, so y'all probably don't want to hear me talk about this more, but whatever.
I'm going to.
Deal with it.
(At this point I smile cutely and you decide to read on anyway even though you're probably sick of hearing me rant about vaginas and theatre) (And anyone...please feel free to tell me I'm stupid or disagree)
So...
This show, right? This...play. This...collection of monologues...
There's this one part of the play that is stuck in my head and won't let go.
Basically at one point in the show someone is all like, "I am my vagina" and this is supposed to be a big epiphany or whatever and very profound.
And I'm sitting there in the audience, feeling a little stupid and guilty because I'm thinking, "Dang. I am certainly not my vagina. Am I doing something wrong? Should I be my vagina? Good God, I don't wouldn't even begin to know how to be my vagina."
So after careful reflection, here's basically what I came up with:
I am not my vagina.
...nope, still not my vagina.
AND
I would no sooner say any woman is their vagina than I would say a man is his dong.
I mean...
If there were a play (I shudder to think) called "The Penis Monologues" we would probably all be kind of offended if in a monologue a man said, "I am my johnson."
Well...
I have to say, I'm a little offended at the notion that I, or any woman is their vagina.
I'm not trying to knock vaginas here. I mean...I'm a lesbian for Christ's sake. And I'm speaking from a place of love, love for myself and love for other woman.
I have to much respect for myself and other woman to think that women ARE their vaginas.
I am a woman and I refuse to be reduced to or defined by my vagina.
So there.

Vaginas are great.
Vaginas are grand.
I am most certainly a fan. (Nice poem, no?)

BUT for me at least, and this goes for all people not just women...I think there is much more to being human than a body part. No matter how great that body part is.
I'm a big "human spirit" person.
I'm a big "inner light" person.
I'm a big "soul" person.
I'm a big "how these things interact with each other and other people" person.
And I guess the big thing I'm responding to is the lack of those things in The Vagina Monologues.

...Oh man. This is opening a whole can of gender worms in my head. All right, like...cooches and dongs are body parts, yes, BUT these body parts DO in fact DEFINE our gender...I mean, at least for the birth certificate. BUT I don't think or know that they should necessarily define gender. Because there are plenty of people who come out of the womb and are told "you're a girl" or "you're a boy" based on what's between their legs but feel the opposite inside...

So this clip is part one of a 20/20 special on transgender children. The whole thing is on youtube, so you can watch it all. It's easily the most gut-wrenching thing I've ever seen. I was so affected it by it the first time I saw it and still am. I really don't like Barbara Walters at all. She sorta makes my skin crawl but this story is just so moving to me:

I don't know what the answers are to this.
What do you do as a parent? Do you start to give your kids hormones? That's irreversible. Damn. I don't know what the answers are.
And it just absolutely devastates me to see children so unhappy. And so unhappy with themselves and their body. This just gets to me and rips me apart on so many levels. Oh man-watching this puts a lump in my throat so big its hard to breath.
Whoa. Moving on...
...Ok. I'm a girl. And I know that not because I have a vagina but because of how I feel inside. I "feel" that I am a girl. I express my gender a little differently. How I look and certain traits may be described as "boyish" but than what is "boyish" anyway? The way I see it I am just being who I am. And my greatest hope for humanity and the world is that everyone should be who the are always without fear. Whatever that means to you. However that means to you. Be who you are. And we shouldn't stop anyone from being who they are.

And so it is with all that in mind that I proudly say:
I am not a vagina warrior.
I am a human spirit warrior.

Whoa. And this post got unintentially heavy.

Ok. I'm done.
I swear, I'll never talk about vaginas again.

Um. What else?

Oh yes. Now on to more important things...like TV commercials...
So, I don't have a TV-like one with television capabilities. I have a TV for watching movies but-yes, ok, you get the point.
So I miss out on stuff.
Like TV shows.
And commercials.
I don't really care. Save for the History and Travel channel (nerd) I'm not much of a TV watcher. BUT my brother showed me this commercial, and you've probably already seen it, but whatever I think it's funny and it never gets old and cracks me every time I watch it:

Sara, do you love that the cootie queen TOTALLY calls the lint licker a HO BUCKET?!
Awesome.

Um. Anything else?
I think that's all.

QUOTE OF THE DAY

DAVID ON MY FACEBOOK WALL: Um...No. BTW..thats not love youre cooking with. Thats rabies and plague.

Oh My Oh My

Dear Natalie Dee,
How oh how are so hilarious?! You crack me up. Always. Never Change.
Love,
Amy

Find the COMIC HERE.

It was too wide to fit into my blog. Sorry. But trust me you won't regret it.

The Great Big Bloomington-Normal Adventure Makes A Great Big Blog Post

So this weekend, me and Meghan went down to Bloomington to visit some friends at the university we used to go to. Here are some highlights from our trip...

Meghan and I get on the Peoria Charter. The first portion of the trip involved Meghan and I entertaining ourselves on the Peoria Charter...there were like 5 people on the bus and I'm pretty sure they all hated us by the time we got off. First things first, these are our "Peoria Charter" faces:



There are bathrooms on the Peoria Charter, I ask Meghan if she's ever used a Peoria Charter bathroom. She says no. But tells me a story about being a train in Europe and using the toilet on the the train that just opened down onto the tracks. She said it was windy. And that when she threw the toilet paper in the "toilet" aka the just down onto the tracks below, it came spiral flying back out. Gross.



Here is us entertaining ourselves with our cameras:

Turns out pita chips make good pillows. What else are pita chips good for? Let's ask Meghan...

SMOOCHING!
P.S. "Smooch" is my favorite word ever for kiss. Second place? "Besa"



GROUP PICTURE!



And it was inevitable that I would eventually use the "video" function on my camera...




We are huge dorks.



We get to Bloomington.





This is my friend Sara. She is a Voice Music Major. Saturday was her senior recital-which consisted of her singing various songs for about an hour. Just her. Impressive, right? Now, I'd never seen Sara sing before. And I was absolutely blown away. I saw a side of her I'd never really seen before. I mean, she is one of my closest friends, obviously, I know she's fabulous. But Saturday-I saw her absolutely glow. It was kind of amazing. It's really something when you see people use their gifts-no matter what they are and I feel so lucky I got to see Sara use this gift of hers. It was truly something. AND she also looked hot, no?! She walked onstage and there was an audible gasp from the audience. She exited and re-entered the stage after each mini set and did so with the utmost confidence. She pretty much owned the stage. And I thought to myself, "My God. My friend is all grown up. That's a freakin' woman up there."

After getting to hear her sing. I also got to hang out with her for the rest of the evening. Which was so awesome. Because I hardly ever see her. Here are some pictures:







I also had the pleasure of meeting Wanzenburg:

Sara lives in a house with three other roomies, and this is their pet rat. Wanzenburg was acquired from the psychology department so as to not be sent to the biology department for dissection. Seriously. We made friends. I really liked him. He was super cute. He eats Capt. Crunch and I got to give him some.

It also become pretty clear to me upon seeing this picture that my head is pretty much shaped like a box.





The Peoria Charter home...







On the way back I saw:
a) A Beaver
b) A large group of deer eating stuff in a field
c) A Hawk
d) A dead deer at the side of the rode. It's head was cut off. Seriously. I was disturbed. See video below...



This video is pretty much evidence as to why I am friends with Meghan, she is crazy, and I love her:




The Peoria Charter drops us off at Midway Airport.


And what better way to wrap up the trip than to play on the moving sidewalks?:

My favorite thing about this video is Meghan's giggling. Priceless. This video is just a small clip of our antics, by the time I remembered to take out my camera, other people were on the moving sidewalks so we had to go back to being normal.
And since I had just seen when Harry Met Sally, on the way there, I was totally monologuing to Meghan about the logistics of men and women being friends and trying to get her to have dinner with me.




QUOTES OF THE DAY

(Conversation via AIM)
MEGHAN: you are nothing short of Amy Cornelius and that's about the only way to describe you.
MEGHAN: that's you in a nutshell, if you ever have to describe yourself, use that.

AMY: I wonder if you could wear a hat box as a hat.
SARA: You could if you wanted everyone to think you were a freak.

(Conversation via AIM)
Re: Going to her teacher's who has small dogs
ARIANA: i got there today and there was a massive full-size white dog there, looked really similar except WAY BIGGER
ARIANA: like, shetland pony bigger
ARIANA: she's dog-sitting for a friend who's conducting in italy, because people here do that, etc etc
ARIANA: but when you're expecting tiny mop dog, and a PONY greets you in the hall, it's a little stirring.
Oh man, I laughed for roughly 10 minutes.

Amen

I can't and don't want to make any comments about this.
The clip speaks for itself.
All I can say is, "Amen."

Things I Don't Understand Episode #2

Here it is:


My reaction to this video:


So you're probably thinking right now: "Amy what the heck brought you to youtube "Total Eclipse of the Heart"?
And rightfully so.
Basically, I mentioned to my friend, Ariana, that I watched the lunar eclipse that took place a couple weeks ago. She in turn brought up the song, "Total Eclipse of the Heart."
In bringing it up, the song stuck itself in my head for like 3 days.
But I couldn't remember all of it.
Pretty much, this was what was happening in my head:


So it became necessary to youtube the song (clearly) so as to get it ACCURATELY stuck in my head.
That is when I discovered the insanity that is this video.
Ok. So I sent the video to Ariana first and here is what she had to say...
ARIANA: WOW. wow. That is more 80's than the actual 80's, as if that were possible. I am in shock and awe. Mostly shock, a little awe. Also, i feel like if i ever did do hallucinogenic drugs, that might be close to something I'd experience. wow. wow. Verdict? amazing, but preferably after a beer or four.

I realized that I should probably send the video off to more of my friends to see what they thought about this video because it might just make the best blog post ever. If you would like to post your thoughts on the video, I would encourage you to do so in the comments section. Please. Any light you could possibly shed on this mystery would be greatly appreciated. Anyway, here is what some friends had to say. I sent it to them and asked them what was going on in the video and why there were ninjas, football players, and people with glowing eyes. Here is what they had to say:

Sara and Meghan both pooped out and didn't even watch the entire video...
SARA: i couldn't even watch all of it it was so bad. when you said all that stuff, i didn't expect it to be a crappy 80's music
video. maybe i should have...

MEGHAN: I'd let you know if I could get through the first 20 seconds without turning it off. hahaha.

The following were some reactions taken WHILE the viewer watched the video...
DAVID: (When the table turns over) Dinner is over! Done. Hope you liked it cause it's over now. (When winged creature gives her a hug) Aw, Jesus loves you. (When boys are dancing and jumping around shirtless) Oh. That's kind of hot.

CARLY: (Like trying to solve pictionary) It's...looking at your past...your past...high school...she's looking at his past...it's like high school...the past...[ME INTERJECTING: And ninjas?! WHY are there ninjas?!] Clearly they're ballet ninjas.

BART: Oh...hello boys...(later)...hello boys...(later)mmm...boys...wow...this is very...(whispers) homoerotic...the director of this video was very...wow...I don't even think she knew what was going on...

STEVE: So, in the 80s cocaine had completely taken over Hollywood. And people made bad artistic choices...(Later when it gets to the part of the altar boys with glowing eyes)...So the director is probably European...(The one altar boys flies towards the camera)...Probably Dutch.

These are some reactions after seeing the video...
CARLY: I just think she's a little pre vert (yes, said like "pre" and then "vert") and likes to be with little boys.

JEFF: I would love to sit down with you and explain the intricacies involved in the video, but that is dependent on two things: 1-Finding a time to do so and 2-Me knowing what the hell is going on in the video. Unfortunately, it just doesn't make sense. Although, the glowing eyed people could be the "Bright Eyes" that should be turning around, and when the ninjas were ninja-ing, the lyric was about being kept safe. So maybe being kept safe from ninjas? But I don't know about the football players.

CARLY: I think they kept hiring different directors but sticking with the ideas of past directors. So one guy was like, "I think it should be all football players." And then the next guy came in was like, "Ninjas! I want ninjas!"

JEFF: I grew up in that era. I grew up in the 80s. I grew up when that song was huge and I grew up watching music videos when music video stations actually PLAYED music videos..And I have no idea what the fuck is going on in that video.

ELLE: That's weird.

SEHAJ: Dude, she's a pedophile! And...I can't explain the rest. The fencing and ninjas confuse me.

Ok. Now here is what Chicken had to say...
Before she saw it...
ME: Audra, this video is so hilarious and weird.
AUDRA: Well I'm sure I've seen it before.
Audra starts to watch it and laughs...
AUDRA: No. I've never seen this before.
After the video was over...
ME: Your thoughts Chicken??
AUDRA: ...wow...I'm sure it might have a meaning...cause I don't know if all that stuff is her going crazy because she's heart broken...I just...yeah...I don't know.
Later...
AUDRA: It totally reminded me of Meatloaf.
And still later...
AUDRA: (Like actually trying to explain it to me) So, I think it's about her being heartbroken and the boys in the video represent him in some way and the other things in the video like the football players and ninjas represent obstacles-
ME: NINJAS, CHICKEN?!?! NINJAS?!!
(Audra begins to laugh hysterically)

Does anyone know what this video means?
Bonnie Tyler...do you read this blog?? (Duh, everyone reads this blog) Will you please tell me what the hell is going on in your video. Me and a bunch of my friends are confused.

QUOTE OF THE DAY

Conversation via AIM. We were talking about nicknames...
ME: I have a lot of nicknames.
ARIANA:shows character!
ARIANA: like a scar, only less ugly
ARIANA:(usually, unless your nickname is 'tramp' or something awkward. shut up,
ariana.)

So, my Dad has a band. And I was home the other day while they were practicing. So this guy in band, Todd, comes upstairs and is leaving for the day...
TODD: Sorry to have to put you through that.
ME: Oh no. You guys sound really good.
TODD: Yeah, well it sounds like a midlife crisis to me.

When Amy Met When Harry Met Sally

Don't you guys love when I'm on Spring Break? My blog-age output increases by 67% (I made that number up).
Realistically, I have about a million things I should be doing right now, but it's Spring Break and since I can't be in Florida or Hawaii on a beach sipping a mojito, god dammit I am going to BLOG.

Today I did important things:
a) Laundry.
b) Watched When Harry Met Sally
c) Watched 3:10 to Yuma

Ok, let's talk about the stuff I don't have much to say about first:
a) Laundry: Now I have socks. And the peasants rejoiced.
c) 3:10 to Yuma: Good movie. I'm a sucker for smart-ish action movies. Also, I want to be a cowboy now. Also, movies like this only feed my super secret desire to be an action movie star, which I will never be. Because I am not hot like you have to be to be an action movie star. I am probably not hot enough to be any kind of movie star. Unless it were a movie about lesbians who look like Harry Potter...than I would most certainly be hot enough.

Ok. Now let's talk about the things I have a lot to say about:
b) When Harry Met Sally

So today I watched When Harry Met Sally for the first time, ever.
I know.
I know.
But you have to understand growing up as a disgruntled and confused heterosexual, I did not want to watch romantic movies as I was angry because I didn't identify with them. To me, all romance movies were stupid.
And I'm still not easily won over by most romance movies.
Mostly, romance movies make me roll my eyes.
BUT
When Harry Met Sally was very good.
Very funny, very cute and very lovable...even if they are straight.
This is my favorite part:

Mostly, because like Jack Black in The Holiday...this is my main method of trying to attract girls. Ridiculous, ridiculous humor.


My name is Amy.
I will talk in strange voices to try and make you my girlfriend.
Some girls will give you smoldering looks
Some girls will whisper sweet nothings in your ear
Some girls will just be sexy in general
That's not the way I roll.

Cooking With Magoo!

So since I'm on Spring Break and don't need to simply eat and make food as quickly as possible, I thought it might be a good idea to make something delicious tonight. 'Cause hey, I like delicious things and I like to cook.
So I found this recipe for Sausage and Chickpea Stew.
I decided to make that. With my own pazazz of course because in life I don't believe in following the recipes. Such an attitude has led to the creation of some of my best dishes. It has also led to some of my most unfortunate dishes. What sort of dish would manifest tonight?
Let's find out...


Now, I really like to cook with wine, but quite often between cookings, my wine goes bad. Good thing I found this: A four pack of crappy Sutter Home little itty-bitty wines! Practical AND classy!


Crappy Sutter Home little itty-bitty wines: Good for cooking purposes so you don't have to buy a whole big bottle and use 1/8 and then let the rest go bad...


GREAT when you're not feeling classy enough for glasses.


Oh dear, wine. I see there is a reason you're called "crappy" Sutter Home little itty-bitty wines. You should probably just stick to your cooking purposes and not your unclassy purposes.


Mmm...stew. Looks pretty, no? Even if it tastes like crap, at least some where along the line it was pretty.


I got an idea! It's called "let's throw this stew over some hot and awesome polenta!"


Put it all together, sprinkle some cheese on top and Voila!

Now, I know what you're thinking..."Gee Amy, it sure LOOKS great. But how does it TASTE?! How does it TASTE?!"

I'm so glad you asked...



The first bite.


Tastes like a thumbs up to me!


How rude of me to not offer you some! Here, have a bite!



Now the only question left is: how will it pair with the crappy Sutter Home little itty-bitty wine???


Not feeling classy enough for glasses, I say, "Cheers! And Bottoms up!" a la a drunken raid on a Las Vegas hotel mini bar. (And later I'm going to be married by Elvis).


No dice. I'll just stick with the stew, thanks.




QUOTE OF THE DAY

YAHOO NEWS HEADLINE: Kid Rock pleads not guilty to battery in Waffle House fight

"I Love You" Practice

So I was with David last night and pretty much made him watch But I'm A Cheerleader. Which if you don't know is a lesbian movie.
Awesome.
Don't worry I made sure there were enough cute boys in it for David. But the poor guy looked like he was gonna lose his dinner whenever girls started making out...

But I'm A Cheerleader was pretty funny. Honestly, not as good as I expected but pretty funny. Very campy. And actually kinda lame at points...

Lamest part?
At the end, the cheerleader does a "cheer" for the girl she loves to win her back.
No.
I'm not kidding.
It goes like this,
"One, Two, Three, Four,
I won't take "no" anymore
Five, Six, Seven, Eight,
I want you to be my mate.
One, Two, Three, Four,
You're the one that I adore
Five, Six, Seven, Eight,
Don't run from me 'cause this is fate!"

And then ends with a very sincere and dramatic, "I love you.'

OH!
I found it:

Yessssssssssssss!!!
So ridiculous.
This is why I don't go for cheerleaders.
I don't want to hear cheers about why I should be your mate.

Even better than the cheer is the, "I love you"
So sincere.
I'm going to say, "I love you" like that...always.
In fact, I've decided to practice saying "I love you" just like that...







And now, the whole thing complete with music...






I could so be in the moving pictures.
...and no. No I will not do the cheer for you so don't even ask.

QUOTES OF THE DAY

Conversation via the AIM. I said I'd give my left arm to see Europe. But preferably AFTER returning from the trip as opposed to before...
ARIANA: hahahahahahah, i like your priorities
ARIANA: well arm, it's been nice knowin' ya, and how awesome that we had this last trip together
ARIANA: SEEYA

Watching But I'm A Cheerleader. Two girls are looking longingly into each other's eyes...
DAVID: Oh my God, are they going to...
(The girls kiss)
(David gets a look of utter digust on his face)
DAVID: (Under his breath)Uhhh really?...I just ate.

The Lady Garden Legacies

So I recently saw a show I probably should have seen a long time ago...

The Vagina Monologues.

I mean as a theatre artist, woman, feminist and lesbian it is slightly ridiculous that it took me this long to see it.

I guess I was sort of avoiding it.

There.
I said it.

I read The Beaver Chronicles (for the rest of the post, I will refer to The Pussy Stories by as many different names/euphemisms as I can possibly think of) quite a while ago and I wasn't impressed.
And frankly after seeing it in performance I'm still not all that impressed.

I won't say where or when I saw this production of The Muff Myths because it doesn't really matter and it's that time of year where I really could have seen it anywhere.

Basically, I don't really understand what Eve Ensler was trying to accomplish with The Mermaid Purse Epics. I don't understand what they're supposed to "do."
Congratulations. You got a bunch of women to talk about their cooters and asked them questions like, "What would your vagina wear?" and "What would your vagina say?"
Great.
So what?
Congratulations you wrote a monologue where a woman has an orgasm onstage.
So what?
You talked about vaginas onstage.
You chanted the word "cunt."
Great.
So what?
So your vagina is angry.
Sorry.
But only you can make your vagina un-angry.
Not me.
So stop yelling at me about your angry vagina.
My vagina doesn't want to hear it.
Frankly, my vag is cool just chillin' out between my legs and doesn't really think it's a big deal you just said "vagina" like a bajillion times onstage, outloud.
When you make that kind of art for the sake of putting it onstage,
For the sake of saying, "We're going to talk about vaginas and clits no matter WHAT you think and you can't do ANYTHING about it. And we don't CARE if you DON'T like it. You have to DEAL with it. DEAL WITH MY VAGINA!"
You point is lost.
And I happen to think that type of theatre lacks respect for the audience, creativity and imagination-and thus, for me, fails.
Sorry if The Poochie Lamentations are your favorite thing ever.

I will say this:
The Bearded Clam Speeches DO raise money for good causes.
But the show sucks.
And is dumb.
Say something meaningful with your art! Running around screaming, "cunt" doesn't count. I mean if we want to get all art-istial I realize running around screaming "cunt" by it's very nature is in fact saying something, maybe even making a statement...
It just lacks creativity.
And I think fails to be moving.
And when you're trying to make a point and get people on your side...you sort of have to be moving.
It isn't enough to scare them,
It isn't enough to make the angry or sad.
You have to touch something inside of them (keep the dirty comments to yourselves kids)
And you have to help them see something of themselves in the cause you're fighting for.
...but that's just my lame opinion. And, I guess, that's the way I'm likley to be won over. Some people might like to be scares shitless or angry...but in the end, I only think that hurts the cause and feeds into what makes it a cause in the first place.
So there.
Don't you guys love it when I rant?

By the way,can I say how much I hate the word, "cunt"?
I do.
I think it's ugly.
Not that I'm opposed to it because it's a swear...
For me, as a word for vagina, it lacks the feeling of love that I'd hope to find in a word for vagina, and thus...I hate it.
I don't think it's sexy or beautiful
I think it's an ugly.
There's no love in the word cunt.
And I will totally admit to using the word "fuck" from time to time. I'm not a clean-mouthed saint. Sometimes, swear words are just called for in my life.
But not that word.
Ick.



QUOTES OF THE DAY

JIM: And I'm like, "Grandpa, this isn't exactly a smart business choice for me."

(Having a conversation with my brother about Vienna)
JIM: Vietnam??
ME: Vi-en-na.
(Pause)
JIM: So that's in Italy, right?

So I worked with Audra in the box office today. We got Jimmy John's for lunch. We ordered pickles...
(Audra begins to poke her pickle half-way menacingly)
AUDRA: (In high pitched scratchy voice) Oo! I'm so excited about you!

(I am deep in thought)
AUDRA: What's going on with you Amy Cornelius?
ME: Oh, I'm just thinking about being a pirate.
(Audra begins to crack up)
ME: Well I was!
AUDRA: Oh, I don't doubt it sweetie.

(Meghan and I were talking over AIM, I was listening to "A Dream Is A Wish Your Heart Makes" and start "singing" it to her. She tells me how much she loves that song. And how she used to run around singing it when she was little.)
MEGHAN: except i didn't understand all the words so i'd sing, "no matter how your heart is bleeding if you keep on beneathing the dream that you wish will come true."
...so priceless.