Hey Guys. Good News...I Found a Girlfriend! Bad News...She's Natalie Portman.

Hey guys. Good news...I found a girlfriend. It's Natalie Portman.



She has everything I look for in a woman:
a) Intelligence (She went to Harvard AND speaks Hebrew (speaking another language=hot))
b) A beautiful smile/fabulous laugh
c) A sense of humor
d) And I guess it doesn't hurt that she's drop dead gorgeous.

So I'm thinking here's what will happen:

Let me set the scene:
I'll already be famous somehow. Either I have just published my first book to critical and public acclaim or have just written/directed/starred in a movie or a play making a splash as an important artistic piece for our time. My normally awkward disposition has been replaced by a cool, calm, and dare I say…sexy, demeanor. Ok. So I’m at some sort of swank party for something (really, secretly I hate swank parties but I have to go to make an appearance). Natalie is there too. I am at the bar, sipping a drink, wishing I were home working on my next piece or watching The Travel Channel. Natalie ponies up to the bar to order a drink. We catch each other’s eye. I smile. She smiles. I nod a “hello” to her, figuring she doesn’t want to be bothered, because she’s probably bothered all the time. She nods a “hello” back, gets her drink and starts to walk away from the bar, but comes back…OK! And since I just saw Pride and Prejudice and have been thinking in a 19th century frame of mind ever since, the following will be written a la Jane Austen/Pride and Prejudice.
NATALIE: Pardon me for asking, but are you Amy Cornelius? Author of [insert title of my critically and publicly acclaimed book and/or play here]?
ME: I am indeed.
NATALIE: I saw your saw or play last night and/or read your book in one sitting. Your work is absolutely marvelous.
ME: (Smiling shyly) Thank you. Truly you do me too much honor.
(Pause)
ME: And pardon me for asking, but are you Miss. Natalie Portman, star of…Mars Attacks?
NATALIE: Dear God, you saw that movie?
ME: I’m a most enthusiastic fan of all Tim Burton’s moving pictures.
NATALIE: Even Mars Attacks?
ME: Even Mars Attacks. Well of course it helped that your luminous countenance was on the screen. I’m a big fan of your work as well. I simply loved V for Vendetta. The political implications of the film were both timely and alarming.
NATALIE: Thank you.
(Pause)
(Pause)
(We both look at each and laugh)
ME: Well. We’ve both complimented each other on each other’s respective work. I trust that we’ve fulfilled the standards of conversation for events such as these. Now I should shake your hand, tell you what a pleasure it was to meet you and wish you all the best of luck on all your future endeavors.
NATALIE: Yes that does seem to be the sort of caliber of conversation at events like this. And indeed I think we have more than fulfilled the standards of conversation. What do you say we exceed the standards and shake things up a bit, eh?
ME: Sounds perfectly delightful to me. Just what I need as well as I have been terribly bored since I arrived.
NATALIE: Well I have been flirting with boredom all night myself, so shaking things up will be a most welcome change for the both of us then.
ME: Indeed.
NATALIE: And so, instead of now asking you what your next project might be. I will ask you what your worst habit is. So, Miss. Cornelius, what is your most despicable habit?
ME: You waste no time do you? I must first make sure you have no intention of selling my deep secrets to any trashy tabloids.
NATALIE: I wouldn’t dream of it.
ME: All right then. I am obliged to tell you my deep secrets then. And to answer your question, what is my most despicable habit…I am indeed very despised to say that I am drawn to gnaw at my nails constantly.
NATALIE: That is rather despicable. (Pause) I pick my nose.
ME: Do you really?
NATALIE: Indeed. I find Kleenex quite inconvenient when I have my index finger…at hand.
ME: I don’t know what to be more disgusted by, the fact that you pick your nose or that you’ve just made a horrible pun.
NATALIE: Well I guess you may add my penchant for horrible puns to the list of my despicable characteristics.
ME: Oh, on the contrary I find it quite charming. As long as you do not make such puns in earnest. There is nothing quite as deplorable as one who thinks herself a wit and is really no more than a fool.
NATALIE: Well, happily, I do claim to be neither wit nor fool.
ME: What might you claim to be then, if I may be so bold as to inquire?
NATALIE: I am but a humble artist.
ME: A girl after mine own heart.
NATALIE: Pardon, but were you under the assumption I was after your heart?
ME: My, my, the cat has claws. Perhaps I should say no more lest my ego be further bruised.
NATALIE: Is your ego so fragile that it is easily hurt?
ME: My ego can withstand the volley of a thousand spiteful critics. But being slighted by a beautiful woman…well that, my poor ego can not withstand.
NATALIE: Well now you’ve made me feel guilty. I do not wish to be responsible for a bruised ego that I had no intention of bruising.
ME: Well, then clearly Miss. Portman there is only on sure way to right this wrong you have done to my ego.
NATALIE: And what, pray tell, is that?
ME: Well, you must do me the honor of accompanying me to dinner.
NATALIE: Is that all?
ME: Indeed.
NATALIE: Well I do believe that might be manageable.
ME: Manageable? Well. Excellent. I would not wish to intrude upon of the goings-on of your social life, but if it will be…"manageable" as you say. Must I go through your agent to make the arrangements?
NATALIE: All right, I suppose it will be more than manageable.
ME: More than manageable?? Truly, you do me too much honor. How much more than manageable will it be?
NATALIE: I suppose I could be delighted to accompany you to dinner.
ME: And I would be delighted if you could be delighted to accompany me to dinner.
NATALIE: And no need to go through my agent to make the arrangements. I make my own. Does this coming Friday at 8:00 suit you well?
ME: Indeed it does as I have no prior engagements.

Then…cut to…us getting married.

Which brings me to the words of the day.
WORD(S) OF THE DAY
1) Inconceivable: impossible to comprehend

And now. In a sentence:
As Jane Austen once said, "The mere idea that Miss. Natalie Portman could ever be attracted to Miss. Amy Cornelius is grossly and utterly inconceivable."

2) Cornball: an unsophisticated person. Also, something corny.

And now. In a sentence:
Miss. Amy Cornelius is nothing more than a cornball.