I Am Bad At It

So, as any good lesbian will tell you, tonight is The L Word season 5 premiere.
As I've said before, I'm hot and cold on The L word.
Meaning, I don't really like it but occasionally I get sick of seeing straight people make out in movies and TV so it becomes somewhat necessary to put my feelings on the shitty writing and bad storylines aside and watch it just to see girls be in love instead of men and women.
If you want to get an idea about what I mean here is a "trailer" for season 5:


Um. Prison Sex? REALLY??
Anyway.

The L Word plays on Showtime. Not many people have Showtime. Alas, no worries plenty of bars in the area play the show. One such bar is a place called T's which is a semi-gay bar. Meaning, it's not labeled as a "gay bar" but it in the middle of Andersonville and next to a place called "The Manhole" and tons of lesbians hang out there so...yeah, it's a gay bar. T's is one of my favorite bars, it's really low-key, a nice setting, good food, fabulous sangria...but that's all beside the point. The point is...T's shows The L Word on Sunday nights. Tonight is the premiere. Therefore...tons of hot girls are at T's tonight.
So, I'm sitting here alone in my apartment, getting ready to write a post about Sweeney Todd the movie because I know how much you all care about my opinions and I was looking up clips to put into the post, but somehow I just couldn't concentrate. I was...restless, if you will. Suddenly, I thought,
"I don't like The L Word. But I like cute girls."
So my thought that succeeded that thought was,
"I should go to T's."
I've gone to T's alone before.
Well, once.
And it was like at 6:00 on a Friday and I had a bite to eat and a drink and left.
It took me like an hour to psyche myself up to go to a bar alone.
(I'm awkward)
But I actually going to the bar myself wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. I had good conversation with the bartender and the woman sitting next to me.
So I thought,
"I've been to T's alone once before. I can do it again!"
So, I call David and run the plan by him and he thinks I should go too.
(Just wanted to make sure it wasn't completely and totally sad to show up alone)
So I get changed.
I put on a black button down I just got from the Gap.
I put on a pair of dark jeans.
I put my contacts in.
(Yeah, I know. I wasn't messing around)
I mull over what coat to wear for ten minutes...
And I'm out the door.
I'm on the phone with David and I get to T's and do a "walk by" and inside I see...
A crapload of lesbians.
Lesbians
Lesbians
Lesbians
The place is PACKED
So I start to get intimidated.
Really intimidated. When craploads of lesbians are afoot I start to hyperventilate (not really, but I start to that, "Jesus I really shouldn't be here. Oh my God, I should have just stayed home and watched Jaws III again. Oh my God, I'm so lame. I'm so lame. I'm so lame. I'm going to go in there and they're all go to say, 'Hey! Lame-y Amy is here.' I'm so lame. I'm so lame. I'm so lame. Too many girls. Too many girls. Too many girls."
...you don't want to even know how I get when I start to speak with an attractive girl. Hm. Speak is a stong word. More like...stumble and stutter my way through a conversation.
ANYWAY!
I sit on the bench outside talking to David for about fifteen minutes with him trying to convince me to go in and me trying to convince myself as well.
I'm sitting on the bench beginning to think I should have just stayed home.
...but I really like cute girls.
...and there are lots of cute girls inside.
So with David on the phone I go inside, there's a bouncer at the door, so I hang up with David and show my ID.
The bouncer (well, I use the term "bouncer" but really it was just a 40 something lesbian) and she looks at my ID (the picture on my ID is absolutely HENIOUS) and tells me she likes my hair now. I joke and tell her I was sick of looking like Harry Potter. Her hair is short too, and we joke a moment about how easy it is to have short hair.
I move into the bar.
I am not sure what I'm looking for.
The place is so packed, I'm pretty sure even if I did know I wouldn't be able to find it anyway.

Here is what I hoped would happen:
I would pass someone cute, she would see me and think I was cute too...
SHE WOULD GO: Hi. You're cute. My name is Natalie. What's yours?
I WOULD GO: Hi. I think you're cute too. My name is Amy.
SHE WOULD GO: Are you here with friends?
I WOULD GO: No, I'm here alone.
SHE WOULD GO: Couldn't miss The L Word premiere, huh?
I WOULD GO: Actually, it was the cute girls I couldn't miss.
SHE WOULD GO: You should sit here with us.
I WOULD GO: Well thank you.
...or something.

Here is what actually happened:
I walk into the bar and it's totally packed.
So packed I can't find a place that's inconspicuous but not too inconspicuous so as to be seen by cute girls.
I literally would have had to stand in the middle of the room.
So I walked in the front door...
...and right out the back.
I'm so bad at it.

I wish I had the confidence to walk in there, grab a drink go up to a table of cute girls and say,
"Hey...I'm here alone, mind if I hang out with you?"
And everyone is always so nice I'm sure they'd say, "Sure!"
The trouble is working up that sort of confidence.

Being single sucks so hard.

I DID notice that when I walked in the bar I DID turn heads.
Now, I'd like to think that this maybe because I am somewhat attractive. However, these head turns could also be...
"Oh look, that dope who was outside on her phone for 15 minutes looking stupid finally decided to come in."
or...
"Who the hell let the 13 year old boy in?"
or...
"Wow. She's tragic."
or...
"She clearly has no idea what she's doing."

I am so bad at it.

You want to know what I'm good at it?
Getting crushes on girls way out of my league.
Not to brag, but it's a gift.

You want to know the good news?
I've sworn off online dating once and for all. It's just hasn't worked for me. And when it comes down to it...I don't really want to meet someone that way either. I've officially removed craigslist from my bookmarks. I thought briefly at the start of the year, "OK, if you want to meet someone online go to a real site and put up a realy profile with a picture." But I just don't want to. I don't want to meet someone like that.
...and I'm still holding out hope I'll mee the love of my life in a bookstore.
...or in a magical ice cream store.
...or in a store that sells ponies.
One of those three places I will meet the love of my life.
(Probably not)





...so I've recently aquired Jaws III on DVD.
In case you didn't know, it is the best worst movie ever made.
Here is a clip from the movie, it is the best-worst part. The premise of Jaws III is that Jaws gets into Sea World. How awesome is that??? I think it should have said, "Jaws is going to eat your ass at Sea World" on the movie posters.
*SPOILER ALERT*
(This is the end of the movie, so if you've never seen it and having been meaning to since the 80s don't watch this.)

Amazing, right?
And yes...that is an incredibly young Dennis Quaid.
AND the movie ends with a freeze frame with dolphins. What more could you ask for in an awesomely bad movie??
You should really see the whole thing to truly appreciate it.
And don't worry...I have it. You can borrow it.
Better yet, come over.
We'll watch it together.
I think it gets better (and by better I mean worse) (which is awesome) the more times I watch it.