Addleheading For Life

Saturday, December 01, 2007

Forced to Be A Girl

So I forgot to talk about this earlier.
Guess what I had to do the other day? a skirt.

I don't think I've worn a dress or skirt in 3 years.

I know what you're thinking.

And the answer is, "No."

No, I haven't suddenly decided that I love skirts and want to make them a regular part of my wardrobe.
No, I haven't suddenly decided to be straight.
No, I haven't suddenly become a "lipstick lesbian."

I had to buy one for my acting class, because as I mentioned a while ago...I'm actually playing a "No Strings Attached Woman" as per the instruction of the professor in this last scene assignment. Not playing battle ready Joan La Pucelle (Joan of Arc), not playing Viola disguised as a man. I am playing a straight up, red-blooded, man-hungry woman.
Uh, well...not quite, I may be playing a nun...actually.
So, it's not so much a man-hungry woman as a "Want To Keep My V-Card Woman"
Still, none-the-less, I must wear a skirt.
The scene is from Measure for Measure, I will be playing the pure and chaste Isabella. Granted, she ain't an old-ass nun. She's young, and though certainly not hip like Whoopi Goldberg, she attractions the attentions of the men folk. So...she's sexy. A sexy nun. I am going to play a sexy nun that is grossed out by the idea of sex with man. I think I can handle this. Right?
Want to hear about my scene? Because it's pretty mucked up and pretty much a Maury Povich episode waiting to happen. Basically, my brother (Claudio) is in jail for knocking up his girlfriend, Juliet and putting a bun in her oven sans being betrothed. Which just so happens to be against the law in the play. The Duke for whatever reason decides to leave and puts this real charming fella named Angelo in charge (he's like George W. but not quite as dumb and maybe a little dirtier). So, this guy decides he's going to enforce the law unlike the actual Duke who was just sorta like, "Eh. Whatevs. If you wanna put in a bun in your girlfriend's oven, it's cool." So with Angelo in charge, Claudio gets put in jail. Claudio sends for me (his super sister) to plead to Angelo on his behalf. I beg Angelo to free Claudio and he says he will.
But there's a catch.
Ready for it?
I gotta get it on with him to free my brother. Thus, Angelo would be breaking the very law he's enforcing because he's a man and thinks with know.


The scene I'm doing is this absolute heart wrencher (it really is, I was real depressed after rehearsing it) where I go tell my brother that he's going to die. Claudio asks me if anything can be done to save him and after "skirting the issue" (that one's especially for you David) for a while I finally get it out to him that in order to free him, I'd have to sleep with Angelo and lose my V-Card (something I am not keen on doing as I was just about to take my nunly vows and be a bride for Jesus). My brother is at first appalled and tells me that I will not "do it" (pun intended. Do you guys love that I point out my puns?). But, after thinking about how scary death is, he asks me to schtoop Angelo so he can live. Well, then I pretty much go ape-shit on him, calling him a "beast" a "dishonest wretch" and "faithless coward" and spend an entire speech berating the shit out of him. Going so far as to say that our mother must have cheated on our father because there's no way such a "warped slip of wilderness" came from my father's blood. Isn't Shakespeare awesome? And then I get to say the line that is my favorite line yet of this year because it is so mush fun to say, it just rattles off the tongue. Ready for it?

"Might but my bending down/Reprieve thee from thy fate, it should proceed"

That's a good line, no? It's really a lot of fun to say. Say it outloud. Go ahead. You'll see what I mean. It's awesome.
Did you say it out loud? Awesome. Right?

Now say it with this:

"Take my defiance!
Die, Perish! Might but my bending down
Reprieve thee from thy fate it should proceed:
I'll pray a thousand prayers for thy death,
No word to save thee."

Even more awesome, right?
Shakespeare is so freaking cool. Yeah. Isabella is pretty damn pissed in this scene.
AND in the end, not to spoil anything for you...but the gone-on-leave Duke, who was actually just in disguise as a FRIAR the whole time and saw and heard everything asks Isabella to marry him. Aw. Whether or not she agrees is not clear in the script, so the choice is usually made my directors.

But, see what I mean? This play is a Maury episode waiting to happen. As is much of Shakespeare I suppose:
"My Brother is in Jail and The Only Way to Save Him Is To Sleep With A Hypocrite. Also, I'm A Nun. And My V-Card Is A No-No."
"I Split My Damn Kingdom Between My Evil Daughters And Now They've Just Left Me Outside. I Mean, Damn. At Least Put Me In An Old Folks Home."
"We're Teenagers and In Love But No Our Families Hate Each Other: We Should Probably Just Kill Ourselves"
"I Killed A Man To Usurp The Throne: Now I'm Worried About The Consequences. I Think The Woods Are Moving In On Me. Am I Crazy? My Wife Sure Is"
"My Mom Is Schtooping My Uncle Who Killed My Father to Usurp The Thorne And I'm Real Depressed About It"

Anyway. All this to say I had to buy a damn skirt. I don't like clothes shopping to begin with (pretty much one of my most hated activities ever) but having to shop for a damn skirt made it infinitly worse. After three stores filled with yule-tide shoppers and much frustration on my part I finally found one. Exactly what I was looking for: Something long, with and elastic band. This is what we theatre geeks call a "rehearsal skirt." Something we can move in during rehearsal so when we put in the actual costume skirt it's not a huge shock. It helps give a sense of character and such. Of course, said skirt is way too long for me, so it does need to be rolled. But hey, that's pretty much the story of my life. Jeans I get out of the little boy section gotta be rolled, and so do skirts out of the girls section. It's just what it is to be short.

I just want it to be known...I don't have anything against skirts. In fact, I can wear one just fine. Dresses too. And it may be shocking to know: I can walk in heels. And I have no problem wearing any of these things as long as I'm playing character, because for me to wear them as just plain old Amy, no joke guys...I feel like I'm in drag. Without the fabulous part. If I wear a skirt as Amy I'm like the sucky drag queen who can't quite pull it off, but bless her/his heart she/he just tries so hard! Seriously.

So, I found the skirt at Kohl's and I shop there because they're cheap, so I know what I'm getting into when I go there: having to deal with shopping around the geriatric community, but in case you don't shop at Kohl's and were planning a trip there I just have to issue a blanket warning:
Don't buy their slippers.
Want to know why? I saw an old lady, litereally sitting in the middle of an aisle, with her shoe off AND her sock off trying on slippers. Yup. She was sticking her bare, stinky old lady feet right in 'em. That is just gross. So don't buy slippers at Kohl's. Chances are some old lady you don't know has had her crinkly old aged spotted feet in there.
Just looking out for you guys. So I thought I'd let you know. And based on what I saw, I'm a little worried for what goes in the dressing rooms so I wouldn't reccommend buying their underwear either unless it's in a sealed package. Otherwise...well, some old lady mighta had her naked butt in your skiivies. And if there is anything worse than an old lady's bare's an old lady's bare ass.

DAVID: Can we open up a skirt store called "Skirting The Issue"? And we'll sell all kinds of skirts to wear and table skirts...but we'll skirt the issue with costumers? Like they'll say, "Um, how much is this skirt?" and we'll be like, "Oh, so the weather is so nice today."

CARLY: There's mini skirts, and maxi skirts....
DAVID: Like pads?

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

remember that one time we made a movie and you wore my boots, only one of them didn't fit...that was fun.