So I'm being bullied.
Bullied by the automatic toilet at work.
Basically as soon as I sit down this jerk starts to flush making me feel very rushed while I tend to my business.
Hey Toilet-Jerk! Let me finish peeing. I mean, really! How rude can you get? Who taught you your manners? I mean jeez, at least give me a 5 second head start, but I barely have my pants down most of the time before you start swirling! Do you have any idea how vulnerable that makes me feel?? To be sitting there, pants down, trying to pee and have you pushing me into early disposal of my waste?
Why don't you start thinking about other people's feelings Toilet-Jerk, instead of just your own.
Jeez.
The world is so inconsiderate
Saturday, June 30, 2007
Friday, June 29, 2007
A Few Tidbits. Mmm...Delicious, Delicious Tidbits...
So, I don't really have one coherent idea for this post. But I do have a couple things I need to say/that I've been thinking...
Thus I submit...
TIDBIT A:
So I've discovered that anytime I need to feel better about myself as a human being and myself as a person, all I need to do is turn on the Real World for about 5 minutes.
TIDBIT B:
I can't sing. Sometimes I think I manage to be flat and sharp at the same time, I'm tone deaf, and I have no rhythm. If you told me to use my diaphragm, I would tell you that I'm gay and don't need to worry about getting pregnant. However, none of this stops me from singing in the privacy of my own company. I've discovered that my bathroom has really good acoustics and makes me sound halfway decent. So I'm thinking of producing a concept album..."Amy Sings Keb Mo, Tracy Chapman, The Police, Musicals and Everything In Between! Come With Her As She Takes You On A Magical Musical Journey From Her Bathroom” And the cover would be a picture of me sitting on the toilet, hitting a high note. I would probably make millions.
TIDBIT C:
So this Tom Cruise/Germany thing has really occupied a lot of my thinking time. I've been thinking since my last post...and...ok, I'll be the first person to tell you Scientology is the biggest crock of bullshit this side of the White House. I'll be the first person to make fun of it and I have made many jokes (most of them not very good) at the expense of Tom Cruise and Scientology. HOWEVER, I don't think Germany is any place to be singling someone out because of his or her religion. I figure they're got AT LEAST 1000 more years of unabashed acceptance of everyone and everything before they can even think about discriminating on someone. In conclusion of this tidbit I will say: Hopefully by the time that happens, the aliens will have come, picked up all the Scientologists and taken them very far away from Earth.
TIDBIT D:
I really want a kitten.
Thus I submit...
TIDBIT A:
So I've discovered that anytime I need to feel better about myself as a human being and myself as a person, all I need to do is turn on the Real World for about 5 minutes.
TIDBIT B:
I can't sing. Sometimes I think I manage to be flat and sharp at the same time, I'm tone deaf, and I have no rhythm. If you told me to use my diaphragm, I would tell you that I'm gay and don't need to worry about getting pregnant. However, none of this stops me from singing in the privacy of my own company. I've discovered that my bathroom has really good acoustics and makes me sound halfway decent. So I'm thinking of producing a concept album..."Amy Sings Keb Mo, Tracy Chapman, The Police, Musicals and Everything In Between! Come With Her As She Takes You On A Magical Musical Journey From Her Bathroom” And the cover would be a picture of me sitting on the toilet, hitting a high note. I would probably make millions.
TIDBIT C:
So this Tom Cruise/Germany thing has really occupied a lot of my thinking time. I've been thinking since my last post...and...ok, I'll be the first person to tell you Scientology is the biggest crock of bullshit this side of the White House. I'll be the first person to make fun of it and I have made many jokes (most of them not very good) at the expense of Tom Cruise and Scientology. HOWEVER, I don't think Germany is any place to be singling someone out because of his or her religion. I figure they're got AT LEAST 1000 more years of unabashed acceptance of everyone and everything before they can even think about discriminating on someone. In conclusion of this tidbit I will say: Hopefully by the time that happens, the aliens will have come, picked up all the Scientologists and taken them very far away from Earth.
TIDBIT D:
I really want a kitten.
Wednesday, June 27, 2007
German Haters
Germany is once again rearing its ugly head of hate. This time Germany has directed its hate at the most American of all things...
Tom Cruise.
Seems those old schnitzel-eaters have a problem with Tom Cruise playing anti-Nazi Col. Claus Graf Schenk von Strauffenberg in an upcoming World War II era movie. This Clause von Strauffenberg is regarded as a hero for his attempts to eliminate Hitler back in 1944. Seems ze Germans don't want no Scientologist playing their beloved almost-assassinated-Hitler-hero. Germans, APPARENTLY, see Scientology as a crazy, unfounded, commercialized, religion that takes advantage of people.
Personally, I find the Scientologists', rate-your-internal-being attitude quite endearing. I think the Germans, and other people in general like to pick on Scientology because a science-fiction writer founded it. And nobody in society is held in lower esteem than the "science-fiction-star-trek-dungeons-and-dragons-gamers-never-gonna-get-laid" types. I applaud Tom Cruise for his strength and fortitude in bringing a much needed seriousness and truth to this science fiction field.
So much so that he's passed it off as his religion.
Way to go Tom Cruise. Thanks for proving Science-Fiction followers can get laid. And thank you, Tom Cruise, for proving that any one that follows Science-Fiction (i.e. Scientology) is crazy. In conclusion...crazy people CAN get laid. You, Tom Cruise, are an inspiration. Don't let ze Germans get you down.
Germany, if you read this blog (which I'm sure you do)...lay off the Cruise! Have you ever seen Mission: Impossible? He will break into your country and steal all your German secrets. He will break into your country and read your German diary and tell all your German crushes to the entire world! Don't mess with the Cruise!
I do, however, believe in the end that tom Cruise SHOULD be "disqualified" (if you will) from playing this role. Why, you ask?
Because Tom Cruise simply does not have enough syllables in his name to be playing someone named Col Claus Graf Schenk von Stauffenberg.
Sorry Tom.
Maybe if you changed your name to Tom TomKate Cruise von Scientologistbergensen, you'd have had a chance.
Tom Cruise.
Seems those old schnitzel-eaters have a problem with Tom Cruise playing anti-Nazi Col. Claus Graf Schenk von Strauffenberg in an upcoming World War II era movie. This Clause von Strauffenberg is regarded as a hero for his attempts to eliminate Hitler back in 1944. Seems ze Germans don't want no Scientologist playing their beloved almost-assassinated-Hitler-hero. Germans, APPARENTLY, see Scientology as a crazy, unfounded, commercialized, religion that takes advantage of people.
Personally, I find the Scientologists', rate-your-internal-being attitude quite endearing. I think the Germans, and other people in general like to pick on Scientology because a science-fiction writer founded it. And nobody in society is held in lower esteem than the "science-fiction-star-trek-dungeons-and-dragons-gamers-never-gonna-get-laid" types. I applaud Tom Cruise for his strength and fortitude in bringing a much needed seriousness and truth to this science fiction field.
So much so that he's passed it off as his religion.
Way to go Tom Cruise. Thanks for proving Science-Fiction followers can get laid. And thank you, Tom Cruise, for proving that any one that follows Science-Fiction (i.e. Scientology) is crazy. In conclusion...crazy people CAN get laid. You, Tom Cruise, are an inspiration. Don't let ze Germans get you down.
Germany, if you read this blog (which I'm sure you do)...lay off the Cruise! Have you ever seen Mission: Impossible? He will break into your country and steal all your German secrets. He will break into your country and read your German diary and tell all your German crushes to the entire world! Don't mess with the Cruise!
I do, however, believe in the end that tom Cruise SHOULD be "disqualified" (if you will) from playing this role. Why, you ask?
Because Tom Cruise simply does not have enough syllables in his name to be playing someone named Col Claus Graf Schenk von Stauffenberg.
Sorry Tom.
Maybe if you changed your name to Tom TomKate Cruise von Scientologistbergensen, you'd have had a chance.
Friday, June 22, 2007
No Dude, Pants are required.
So I work at a box office in a suburb of Chicago.
Our patrons are pretty much suburban families and old people. So as you might guess, I have some pretty interesting conversations with people.
So for whatever reason, a bunch of crazies came out the other day.
Annnnddd...start the highlight reel......
So! We have this dude coming to our theatre who sings Sinatra and Bobby Darien and Dean Martin and all kinds of other crooners. As you may imagine...the old people have been calling in droves. I can pretty much determine by the sound of their geriatric voice when they call what they're going to ask for..."Yes, I'd like tickets for that Sinatra and the singing and the he wants it his way. Do you have any matinees?"
So! For some of our shows we set up cabaret tables directly in front of the stage. They're basically small drink tables that seat four. We usually set up three. And they're mainly for concerts (like this one) or for when second city comes. So this lady calls, we pick out a day for her to see the show and get her some seats and then the following conversation ensues:
OLD LDAY: So will there be a lunch?
ME: A lunch?
OLD LADY: Yes. Is there a lunch included?
ME: No, there's no lunch mam.
OLD LADY: But I read somewhere that a lunch was included!
ME: No mam, lunch is not included with the show.
OLD LADY: Where did I read that...here...well it says you have tables!
ME: Those are small drink tables we set up.
OLD LADY: Oh. So there's no lunch.
WHAT I WANTED TO SAY: Not unless you want to drink it.
WHAT I SAID: Right. So to confirm your order I have two tickets for blah blah blah....
OK! So on to the next scene so this lady calls and we have THIS conversation:
(Phone rings)
ME: Thank you for calling the box office this is Amy, how may I help you?
LADY: Yeah, I wonder if you can help me. I'm in a really difficult situation and it’s really hard for me to talk about.
ME (Thinking): Uh-oh. This is a box office what could possibly be the problem. Maybe she miss-dialed and wanted the psychic help hotline.
ME: Ok, what can I do for you mam?
LADY: Um, ok...well...I bought these tickets for my parents in an attempt to...uh...(speaking really quickly) make amends but its not going to work out at all and what I need to do now is just cancel the tickets but I already gave the tickets to them and I just need to cancel them.
(Pause. I take it in)
ME: Ok. Um. I'm really sorry mam but there isn't anything I can do. It is our policy that once the tickets are purchased the sale is final and there isn't anything I do since you said you gave them the tickets, is that correct?
LADY: Yes I gave them the tickets.
ME: Yeah then I'm really sorry but I just can't cancel them.
LADY: OK thanks bye. (Hangs up quickly)
OK! Keep in mind this is all happening on the SAME day. And somehow...I'm picking up all these phone calls. But nothing could have prepared me for the doozie of a call I got later...
Let me set the scene...
We had a kids show that morning. As such we had to be there an hour earlier. I don't mind the being-there-earlier-part, but it does make the day longer since we do close at normal time and when you're taking ticket orders all day and sitting in one spot and since I have mild ADD-well you get the idea. So, we're about half an hour till close when this phone conversation happens, phone rings I pick up and answer:
MAN: Yeah I was wondering if you have any tickets left for tomorrow night's performance.
ME: Yes we do.
MAN: Great, are there a lot left where I could purchase tomorrow night?
ME: Yes, there is a good amount left. I don't anticipate it selling out, so you should be able to get tickets tomorrow.
MAN: Good. Can you tell me a little bit about what you're audiences are like; I'm new to the area.
(I've worked there for almost a year now and I have NEVER gotten this question before but whatever)
ME:(Excited by the new question I launch into a two minute schpeel about my own observations on the demographic of our theatre) We have a pretty mixed community that come too see our shows. We are in the suburbs so we have a lot of suburban families that come to our theatre both for our children's shows and for our regular season shows. We do have a big elderly community and they come out to the theatre here as well. It depends on the type of show as well. Our later night comedy shows draws a younger crowd. As do our most of our concerts. We have a concert coming up where the singer will cover many crooner songs and that is drawing more of the older community. But for our regular shows it’s a very good mix people.
MAN: Oh.
(OK, side note: Currently we have a British farce playing at our theatre. As such it has a lot of sexual humor, mistaken identity, couple swapping, ect, ect and that’s the show this guy was inquiring about at the start)
MAN: Ok. Well...I guess I was wondering about audience participation too. (Before I can answer he continues) Because it says here in the ad for your play (The British farce) that clothing is optional...do people really do that?
(Pause)
ME: That's a joke.
(Pause)
ME: That's a joke about the show. The play is a British farce so there's a lot of sexual humor. And towards the end of the play a couple characters end up in their underwear, so...that's just a joke.
MAN: Oh ok good that seems a lot more appropriate. I'll call back about the tickets.
(Hangs up)
Where did you come from nudist man??!!! This is not a nudist theatre. So thanks buddy, you have to wear your pants. Shorts are ok too but we draw the line at hot pants. NOR is the theatre a swingers club where you can meet a sexual conquest by impressing here with your lack of clothes while taking in a night of theatre! No way buddy.
This is my job. It is awesome.
Our patrons are pretty much suburban families and old people. So as you might guess, I have some pretty interesting conversations with people.
So for whatever reason, a bunch of crazies came out the other day.
Annnnddd...start the highlight reel......
So! We have this dude coming to our theatre who sings Sinatra and Bobby Darien and Dean Martin and all kinds of other crooners. As you may imagine...the old people have been calling in droves. I can pretty much determine by the sound of their geriatric voice when they call what they're going to ask for..."Yes, I'd like tickets for that Sinatra and the singing and the he wants it his way. Do you have any matinees?"
So! For some of our shows we set up cabaret tables directly in front of the stage. They're basically small drink tables that seat four. We usually set up three. And they're mainly for concerts (like this one) or for when second city comes. So this lady calls, we pick out a day for her to see the show and get her some seats and then the following conversation ensues:
OLD LDAY: So will there be a lunch?
ME: A lunch?
OLD LADY: Yes. Is there a lunch included?
ME: No, there's no lunch mam.
OLD LADY: But I read somewhere that a lunch was included!
ME: No mam, lunch is not included with the show.
OLD LADY: Where did I read that...here...well it says you have tables!
ME: Those are small drink tables we set up.
OLD LADY: Oh. So there's no lunch.
WHAT I WANTED TO SAY: Not unless you want to drink it.
WHAT I SAID: Right. So to confirm your order I have two tickets for blah blah blah....
OK! So on to the next scene so this lady calls and we have THIS conversation:
(Phone rings)
ME: Thank you for calling the box office this is Amy, how may I help you?
LADY: Yeah, I wonder if you can help me. I'm in a really difficult situation and it’s really hard for me to talk about.
ME (Thinking): Uh-oh. This is a box office what could possibly be the problem. Maybe she miss-dialed and wanted the psychic help hotline.
ME: Ok, what can I do for you mam?
LADY: Um, ok...well...I bought these tickets for my parents in an attempt to...uh...(speaking really quickly) make amends but its not going to work out at all and what I need to do now is just cancel the tickets but I already gave the tickets to them and I just need to cancel them.
(Pause. I take it in)
ME: Ok. Um. I'm really sorry mam but there isn't anything I can do. It is our policy that once the tickets are purchased the sale is final and there isn't anything I do since you said you gave them the tickets, is that correct?
LADY: Yes I gave them the tickets.
ME: Yeah then I'm really sorry but I just can't cancel them.
LADY: OK thanks bye. (Hangs up quickly)
OK! Keep in mind this is all happening on the SAME day. And somehow...I'm picking up all these phone calls. But nothing could have prepared me for the doozie of a call I got later...
Let me set the scene...
We had a kids show that morning. As such we had to be there an hour earlier. I don't mind the being-there-earlier-part, but it does make the day longer since we do close at normal time and when you're taking ticket orders all day and sitting in one spot and since I have mild ADD-well you get the idea. So, we're about half an hour till close when this phone conversation happens, phone rings I pick up and answer:
MAN: Yeah I was wondering if you have any tickets left for tomorrow night's performance.
ME: Yes we do.
MAN: Great, are there a lot left where I could purchase tomorrow night?
ME: Yes, there is a good amount left. I don't anticipate it selling out, so you should be able to get tickets tomorrow.
MAN: Good. Can you tell me a little bit about what you're audiences are like; I'm new to the area.
(I've worked there for almost a year now and I have NEVER gotten this question before but whatever)
ME:(Excited by the new question I launch into a two minute schpeel about my own observations on the demographic of our theatre) We have a pretty mixed community that come too see our shows. We are in the suburbs so we have a lot of suburban families that come to our theatre both for our children's shows and for our regular season shows. We do have a big elderly community and they come out to the theatre here as well. It depends on the type of show as well. Our later night comedy shows draws a younger crowd. As do our most of our concerts. We have a concert coming up where the singer will cover many crooner songs and that is drawing more of the older community. But for our regular shows it’s a very good mix people.
MAN: Oh.
(OK, side note: Currently we have a British farce playing at our theatre. As such it has a lot of sexual humor, mistaken identity, couple swapping, ect, ect and that’s the show this guy was inquiring about at the start)
MAN: Ok. Well...I guess I was wondering about audience participation too. (Before I can answer he continues) Because it says here in the ad for your play (The British farce) that clothing is optional...do people really do that?
(Pause)
ME: That's a joke.
(Pause)
ME: That's a joke about the show. The play is a British farce so there's a lot of sexual humor. And towards the end of the play a couple characters end up in their underwear, so...that's just a joke.
MAN: Oh ok good that seems a lot more appropriate. I'll call back about the tickets.
(Hangs up)
Where did you come from nudist man??!!! This is not a nudist theatre. So thanks buddy, you have to wear your pants. Shorts are ok too but we draw the line at hot pants. NOR is the theatre a swingers club where you can meet a sexual conquest by impressing here with your lack of clothes while taking in a night of theatre! No way buddy.
This is my job. It is awesome.
Wednesday, June 13, 2007
Maybe I Should Devote My Life To Ducks...
So tonight, I went to this huge park by my house. It's got a trail thats probably a mile long that wraps around it for bikers/runners/walkers/ect and in the middle of the huge park is a pond. I went there tonight to read and eat my dinner since it was so nice out. I set up my blanket out of the sun, in the shade of some trees, in a little secluded area right off the trail, where I could see the pond.
The pond was loaded with ducks. Even better the pond was loaded with baby ducks. There had to be, at the very least, six different "families." Some of the ducks were very little, others were a bit bigger.
Anyway.
I'm sitting, and I'm there about an hour when all the sudden I hear the bushes about twenty feet away from my rustle. I look over and out pops a mama ducks. She's quickly followed by two baby ducks. They, especially the mama, take a good long look at me. I don't move and stay real quiet and they start to approach me. They get maybe 10 feet away from me and the mama duck quacks and three more ducks pop out the bushes. The hoard starts moving toward me again and the mama duck quacks some more and even more baby ducks pop out of the bushes.
So now the mama duck and all her little babies are coming toward me. They get about three feet away from me. Then they just look at me a while. The mama duck quacks, and they all turn around and head for the pond.
...So I guess this means my deepest suspicions are true and my purpose in life is to devote my life to ducks....
So ducks...get ready to have my life devoted to you.
I'm here for you little buddies. Even if you want to just stare at me and quack.
The pond was loaded with ducks. Even better the pond was loaded with baby ducks. There had to be, at the very least, six different "families." Some of the ducks were very little, others were a bit bigger.
Anyway.
I'm sitting, and I'm there about an hour when all the sudden I hear the bushes about twenty feet away from my rustle. I look over and out pops a mama ducks. She's quickly followed by two baby ducks. They, especially the mama, take a good long look at me. I don't move and stay real quiet and they start to approach me. They get maybe 10 feet away from me and the mama duck quacks and three more ducks pop out the bushes. The hoard starts moving toward me again and the mama duck quacks some more and even more baby ducks pop out of the bushes.
So now the mama duck and all her little babies are coming toward me. They get about three feet away from me. Then they just look at me a while. The mama duck quacks, and they all turn around and head for the pond.
...So I guess this means my deepest suspicions are true and my purpose in life is to devote my life to ducks....
So ducks...get ready to have my life devoted to you.
I'm here for you little buddies. Even if you want to just stare at me and quack.
Thursday, June 07, 2007
The Diet 0 out of 10 Doctors Recommend
So, I don't know if any of you are trying to shed a few pounds but I've come across a diet that does the trick.
Now, it's not recommended by doctors. Probably because unlike eating healthy and exercise...it actually WORKS. No joke. For real.
It's called the flu.
And if you get it every 3-4 weeks like I have for the past three months, it really helps keep a trim figure. Now, I'm not saying you have to get the flu and be out of commission for 3-4 days like you might think. I'm talking up the straight up 24-hour flu. It's awesome. You barf up everything in your stomach for a day and then don't feel like eating for 2 or 3 days afterwards. Sweeeeet. I've even gone to work with the 24-hour flu. You just have to make sure you have access to a bathroom and that you can get there in time. 'Cause nobody wants to be around when you spill your stomach bile and semi-digested contents of your dinner. Gross. So if you're gonna get the 24-hour flu, be respectful about it.
It's also awesome because in between days when you have the 24-hour flu you can eat whatever you want. For example:
"Should I have another ice cream cone? Well, yes I should because I'll just get the flu in a few days. Ice-cream tender! Tend me another scoop of cookie dough...better yet, make it a double!"
24-hour flu...better than exercise, better than no ice cream, number one on my diet list. Sorry, Trimspa, looks like you get bumped down to the number two spot but at least you got South Beach Diet beat.
Now, it's not recommended by doctors. Probably because unlike eating healthy and exercise...it actually WORKS. No joke. For real.
It's called the flu.
And if you get it every 3-4 weeks like I have for the past three months, it really helps keep a trim figure. Now, I'm not saying you have to get the flu and be out of commission for 3-4 days like you might think. I'm talking up the straight up 24-hour flu. It's awesome. You barf up everything in your stomach for a day and then don't feel like eating for 2 or 3 days afterwards. Sweeeeet. I've even gone to work with the 24-hour flu. You just have to make sure you have access to a bathroom and that you can get there in time. 'Cause nobody wants to be around when you spill your stomach bile and semi-digested contents of your dinner. Gross. So if you're gonna get the 24-hour flu, be respectful about it.
It's also awesome because in between days when you have the 24-hour flu you can eat whatever you want. For example:
"Should I have another ice cream cone? Well, yes I should because I'll just get the flu in a few days. Ice-cream tender! Tend me another scoop of cookie dough...better yet, make it a double!"
24-hour flu...better than exercise, better than no ice cream, number one on my diet list. Sorry, Trimspa, looks like you get bumped down to the number two spot but at least you got South Beach Diet beat.
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