Snow And Christmas Carol

So...Winter has announced it's arrival in Chicago by dumping a crapload of snow upon our fair city and much of the Midwest in general. Which, hey, I like snow. I walked to work today after being dropped off for coffee and was pretty much like a five year old jumping over snow mountains. The weird thing is though, that it was probably, mmm...I would say 65 degrees Wednesday. It was so warm Wednesday that when I walked to the train and got completely drenched in the pouring rain I was not the least bit cold. And I was soaked. Then all the sudden Thursday the temperature dropped, and this morning I wake up to maybe about a foot of snow. In regards to the fickle weather, part of me is like,
"Yeah it's Chicago winter."
And the other part of me is like,
"Yeah that's what happens when the globe gets warmed."

So if you haven't already you should probably at some point in your life rent A Christmas Carol with that dude from Fraiser as
Scrooge. It's pretty ridiculous. And by ridiculous I mean horribly bad. Here are the top five reasons you should rent this movie and make fun of it:
1) It is a musical version.
2) Terrible lip-syncing.
3) Jennifer Love Hewitt is in it. Enough said there. (Also, the singing voice provided for her is CLEARLY not her own)
5) Weird dance numbers, one of which includes grave-diggers with shovels.
Oh and one more...
6) Big name actors doing a shit job of acting.
Oh and one more...
7) You realize that sometimes muppets are more entertaining and talented than actual actors.

Oh yeah, so Thanksgiving. Mine was pretty good. I think Thanksgiving would be a really great holiday if we were all bears. 'Cause then we could just eat and go sleep for the rest of winter. It could be the kick off to hibernation. Then people could have conversations like this:
BILL: So Jane, what did you have for Hibernation this year?
JANE: Oh, I'm watching my figure, you know...it can be hard to shed those Hibernation pounds come spring...so I just ate a turkey.
BILL: Only one?
JANE: Yeah, last year I ate two and they just went straight to my ass and I couldn't get rid of them until, like, August. What did you eat for Hibernation this year?
BILL: Three pounds of mashed potatoes, a pumpkin pie, and two tofu turkeys.
JANE: Tofu turkey?
BILL: Yeah, I went vegetarian. It's so much better for your health. And society. Just think...if everyone went vegetarian the President wouldn't have to waste time pardoning a turkey. And he would never pardon a soy bean.
JANE: I'll have to take that into consideration for Hibernation next year.

What else do I have to say? I think that's it for now.

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QUOTE OF THE DAY
Today we have multiple quotes of the day!! Get excited!

This first quote is from my friend Meghan. She is a student and quite bogged down in the paper-writing and work as it is the end of the semester. Here is what she had to say about paper writing...
MEGHAN: "Jesus Christ if I have to write another word I'll throw my goddamn shoes out the window."

Also, today, one of my co-workers, Audra, said something really funny to me about my love of chocolate...
ME: "I love chocolate."
AUDRA: "I know you love chocolate. Let's be honest you would glurk it up your nose if you could."

Getting Excited and Peeing A Little

So the other day I saw this dog and it was little and cute and I started to pet it and the dog got so excited about the attention it just up and peed a little.

Just a little. Not too much at all. Just enough to say, "Hey, I'm really happy you stopped to say hello and I'm expressing that expelling a small amount of my bladder. Did I mention I love you?"

This led me to ponder several things:
a) Should I be flattered or disgusted that I made a dog so happy it peed a little?
b) What would I do if when my dog got excited she peed a little? Would I still love her? I think I might never pet for fear of constantly smelling like urine.
c) How do you keep a clean house if you have a dog that pees a little when excited? What happens if you have an exceptionally happy dog? Does having a happy dog then turn into a curse because the dog pees a little every time it's happy? Would your life turn into a constant "stream" (yeah, that pun was intended) of pet urine remover and Brawny? If you had a dog that peed a little when happy would you deprive them of squeaky hamburgers in an attempt to keep them sad and dry?
d) What would happen if people peed a little when they got excited?? Here are some examples:

"The pizza guy is here! And I'm so excited about my pepperoni pizza I just peed a little!"
"I just won fifty dollars. It's so great I just peed a little."
"The orthodontist told me my braces can come off and I'm so excited I'll finally be able to get a date that I just peed a little!"

Ok, so maybe if you were a person who peed a little when excited you wouldn't necessarily announce it so much as buy yourself a package of depends.

For whatever reason I am really intrigued by this concept of happiness/excitement and peeing a little.

I'm really glad I'm not a dog and that I can control my bladder in happiness.

However, there is something to be said for being so happy you just can't "contain" yourself. But there is also something to be said for not smelling like pee.

Wouldn't it be funny if people peed when happy? You certainly couldn't hide it. Or fake it. Ha. It would probably make people a lot more honest. Examples:

"That's really great, honey. But not great enough to make me a pee a little."
"I just can't lie. I should let you know I'm really excited, as you can see...I just peed a little."

Really, all I wanted to accomplish with this post was to say "pee a little/peed a little" as much as possible. I think its a really funny combination of words.

Hope your day was so great you would pee a little if it were socially acceptable.

I Got Tagged, Art School Style

So, I got tagged to post a piece of art work. Here it is. I hope it works. I'm not too blog/posting saavy so I'm not 100% sure how to post pictures, but I'll give it my best shot. And since, to my knowledge the only people who read my blog have already been tagged. I tag no one.




This is a picture of a horse I painted. I like horses. For some reason this horse is blue and purple. Go figure. It would be fun if horses were blue and purple, also if they had wings.

The Mystery Of the Multiplying Black Socks/I Hate Hair Cuts/I Also Hate Boys in Pick-Up Trucks

So I need to talk about something. Because honestly I am quite worried and disturbed.

So I have socks. I had maybe 6 or 7 pairs of white socks. And 2 pairs of black socks. And one pair of Halloween socks I wear to buy myself one more day to not do my laundry. If I'm wearing my Halloween socks and it's June...chances are they were the only clean pair I had and I that have a date with a wash machine and a can of Tide the next day.

I wash my socks of course.

And I've noticed that lately that through the laundry process my number of black pairs of socks has increased while my white pairs of socks have significantly decreased.

Don't believe me?

At last count I have 6 pairs of black socks. And 1 pair of white socks.

I have no idea how this happened.

I was and am so disturbed by this event that it's taken me a while to come forward and talk about. But last week when I had three pairs of white socks, and this week when I somehow ended up with only one, I knew I had to come forward.

I know I can't be getting my laundry mixed up with my family's. We all do our own laundry...mine goes from my body, to my hamper in my room, to the machine downstairs, back into my hamper, and then into my drawers.

HOW OH HOW DID THIS HAPPEN????

Not that I have anything against black socks. But dude...this whole situation has me kinda freaked.

Has anyone else experienced this phenomenon?

Please tell me I am not alone. I mean, I've heard of socks disappearing and a sock losing it's mate in the great void of the dryer....but multiplying pairs of black socks??? Disappearing pairs of white socks????

HOW DID THIS HAPPEN?????

I'm afraid if I go buy more white socks I could somehow end up with 12 pairs of orange socks.

I don't know what to do. I've never felt more alone, lost, or confused. Damn you socks. Damn you.


Anyway. In other news...

I'm alive.

I haven't written in a while for whatever reason. Sometimes the day just gets away from me. Maybe it's just that I haven't had anything important to say. (Aren't you glad my socks came along to change that?)

Questionable Food Items

So this weekend I bought okra. I've seen okra before, I've even tasted it but my experience with this green (is it considered a green?) has been pretty limited. So anyway. I'm in the store, mission...okra. I called ahead to make sure they had fresh okra because it isn't generally carried in the commercial supermarkets here. They did. So I tally ho-ed to the produce section to search. I went up and down the produce section a few times and couldn't find okra on sight so I started looking at the labels to see if I had maybe overlooked it. I found a label that read:

"Chinese Okra."

"Sweet," I thought.

"Mission: Okra accomplished," I thought further.

"Props to me," I thought even further.

Then I glanced down at the vegetable corresponding to the label "Chinese Okra." What I saw wasn't okra. Or at least it didn't look like the okra I'd seen. I don't know if you are familiar with the aesthetic of "Chinese Okra" but it pretty much looks like thin zucchini crossed with a cactus. Also, they were at least a foot and a half long.

So I stood there for a sec staring at this strange okra. I contemplated whether or not to get it. Then I thought, "Well it says okra. And I came on Mission: Okra and I'll be damned if I'm not going to complete my mission."

So I start to bag this stuff. I'm not sure how many to get. But considering they were probably a foot and a half long at the shortest, I figured I'd be safe bagging two and calling it a mission accomplished. So, I'm bagging this suckers, literally in the store laughing out loud at how ridiculous it is. I mean...I could had beat a small man with one of these things. So I'm laughing because I'm pretty positive it's not the type of okra I'm after, but in my brain I'm thinking: "Maybe the okra I've seen is just baby okra. Like baby corn. Or grape tomatoes. Or baby carrots. It happens. Vegetables have babies too."

Anyway.

I'm bagging this huge ass Chinese Okra which laughing outloud and people are staring and I start to walk away towards to check out and I spy a box full of plain old regular okra. What I though it looked like. So I unbagged the warped okra I had and scooped up some of the okra I came for, still laughing and shaking my head.

Mission: Okra was almost a failure. But it turned out ok in the end. This is entry doubles as a public service announcement to warn others about Chinese Okra. If you are looking for okra, don't be fooled by these long-zucchini-cactus looking things. They will most surely throw off any Mission: Okra you attempt. Unless of course your mission is Mission: Chinese Okra. Then by all means, be fooled by these long-zucchini-cactus looking things.

It also helps on any mission, but especially missions where okra is involved, if you dress in chic, sleek black and walk around humming your own theme song.





So my Dad got a bag of apples at the store. And they are green. It says on there that they are granny smith apples. But it also says "Extra Fancy Apples" on there too. I don't understand why they are so fancy. They weren't especially shiny. They weren't laced with lace. There didn't appear to be anything "Fancy" let alone "Extra Fancy" about them. I'm upset that we are now placing class systems on apples. Isn't the disparity between the rich and the poor in our country and in our world crazy enough to show us that extreme classism isn't good???

Now we have to go making a class of bourgeois apples???????????

What about the "ordinary" apples?? Has anyone thought about them? Who wants to buy "ordinary" apples?? No one. How will they ever survive? How will they feed their children? They will fall victim to this senseless system of class and labeling. I don't even want to think about the poor "skid row" apples. I'm sure most of them don't even make it out of the orchard. And to think...they grow right down the branch from these so called "fancy apples"!

Oh, oh, oh...the world in which we live. It makes my poor soul cry.

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QUOTE OF THE DAY
5 YEAR OLDS IN ART CLASS TODAY: You are a toaster!! Toasty toaster head!

(Yeah, no joke. I got called a toaster. I don't know why. I don't know how. But it's like the third time in two weeks I've been insulted by 5 year olds.)

Armed and Ready to Chuck a Shoe at the TV

I cannot wait until the freakin' elections are over.

The TV ads are driving me up a wall. They come on at least 4 times during every commercial break and basically happen like this:
COMMERCIAL #1
"Janice McJaniceson is a no good criminal who has robbed this state of any liberty it ever had. A vote for her is a vote for the terrorists, North Korea, communism, Hitler, and Connie Chung combined. Are you a North Korean-terrorist-communist-Nazi with an affection for Connie Chung? I didn't think so. Vote for Robert Robertson. He's for America. Paid for the by the people with way too much time and money on their hands. Also, we are the people with no tact. If you would like to encourage us, please send us some money."

COMMERCIAL #2
"Robert Roberston sleeps with hookers. A vote for Robert is a vote for hookers. Hookers are bad for America, just like terrorists. Are you a hooker loving terrorist? I didn't think so. Janice McJaniceson is not a hooker. Vote for not-a-hooker-Janice-McJaniceson. I'm Janice McJaniceson and I approve this message for anti-hookers."

COMMERCIAL #3
"Everyone is a big fat liar. You should vote for me, John Johnson because I am as honest as Abe Lincoln. And don't forget Abe freed all the slaves. If you don't vote for me, John Johnson, you are voting for slavery. If you vote for slavery everyone will hate you. Don't get hated on. Vote for me, John Johnson. I'm John Johnson and I approve this message for anti-slavery."

COMMERCIAL #4
"John Johnson is a big fat liar. Also, he slept with your girlfriend. Don't let him get away with that. Don't vote for him."

All of this makes me cry a little bit on the inside. These commercials are so bad and so annoying I want to chuck my shoe and the TV because I think exploding the TV during one of these ads would be very satisfying. "Vote for me because all the other candidates are douche faces-"KABOOM! Yeah, that's right Robert Robertson. You just got interrupted by my shoe. And you might as well stick it in your mouth because I think that would further your chances of winning.

I don't trust any politician as far as I could throw them. And I think that says something about the state of our country. I propose a new way to elect politicians. We throw them. And the ones that go the farthest are obviously the ones that deserve the most trust, so then...they win. Really I would feel much better about throwing a politician to elect them then I would actually going to vote. I'd vote on who pisses me off and annoys me the least. Not who I believe has the best ideas for the betterment of this country. Because no one does. Everyone is about furthering their own career, covering their own ass, and furthering their politic party NOT the well-being of America. So we may as well fucking throw them to elect them. It's a crapshoot not matter how you cut it. Voting has turned into a gamble. America is now a giant casino boat. Pull the slot machine to vote for your candidate! Get two donkeys and an elephant and the democrats take over congress! Get three pairs of sunglasses and have a celebrity take over the gubernatorial office of your state! Three elephants and the apocalypse happens!

I want to vote for the Party Of Common Sense. Or POCS as I like to call it. Right now no such candidate exists for this party. Not in Washington, not on the ballot. It's because the people who would run under this party have enough common sense to not run for political office.

* Le Sigh* (Yeah, I'm starting to adopt a rather French attitude toward my country)

Anyone with Common Sense want to run for President? Congress? Governor? Mayor? PTA head??

Didn't think so.

* * * * * *
QUOTE OF THE DAY
I performed a spell check on this blog before getting ready to post it. Here is what the spell check decided I should replace "fucking" with...
SPELL CHECK: Foreskin

Awesome.

Things That Make Me Question My Sanity

So, I work in this box office and we have a TV that plays advertisements for our shows in the lobby. One of our shows running is a musical. So there's a clip of this musical in the little commercial thing. Being a musical it comes complete with, well, music. So I worked for like 11-ish hours today and the whole time this little commercial is playing over and over and over in the lobby. So I heard this little portion of music maybe every minute to minute and a half.

But it played just soft enough where I wasn't actually sure if I was hearing it or if it was just playing in my head.

Things like this make me question my sanity.

I found myself thinking about this one little portion of the song even when it wasn't playing.
I sung along when it was playing.
I hummed it when it wasn't playing.
When they started warm-ups in the theatre and weren't singing the song that played on the TV I got really confused.
I asked myself countless times today "Is that really playing? Or is it just in my head? I could have sworn I just heard that. Really it was just playing like a minute ago. Is this thing going to loop all day? Am I really hearing this?? Is it really playing or am I just hearing things in my head? Focus. Focus. Amy. Focus....Is it really playing? How do I know if I'm actually hearing something as opposed to just hearing it in my head? Did I remember to floss this morning?"

So anyway. This got me thinking. What are some other things that make me question my sanity? Here is some stuff I came up with:
a) When I'm out driving and space out for a sec and can't remember the last 5 minutes. This one is probably a little dangerous.
b) The way I will think about things in my head, not say anything, but make facial expressions in accordance to what is going on in my head (for example if I am thinking about telling someone off I will have an angry look. If I am thinking about eating ice cream I will have a wistful look. Ect. Ect. Ect.). I have to try hard not to do this in public because it scares people and will often startle them.
c) Sometimes I have conversations with people in my head, or imagine things that could have or may happen in my actual life and then later wonder if they actually took place.
d) How easily I make really weird, random stories up. Like when I told some kids I was raised by penguins. I sometimes worry that one day I will go completely over the edge and actually believe the really weird crap I make up. I worry one day I may actually honestly be convinced I was raised by penguins. And then I wonder if there are any medications that will help cure affliction and make me not believe the crazy shit I say. And then I think it would just be way more fun to not be medications.
e) The fact that I do all this crap without being on drugs or alcohol which sometimes is a factor in decreasing the sanity.
f) The way people look at me.

Anyway. So if I'm not already totally void of sanity. I'm pretty sure I'm well on my way. I'm already looking forward to getting really old. Cause I know I'm going to be nuts. I'm going to live in a creepy old house with lots of cats. I'm going to be the lady on the block all the kids are convinced is a witch. I'm going to sit on my front porch in a rocking chair in my underwear. And it will be glorious.


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QUOTE OF THE DAY
So in my livejournal I tried to post a "quote of the day" with every entry. I think I'm going to continue that for this blog. Basically the quote of the day is a quote from someone (it can be said directly to me, overheard, heard, or read) that I find particularly interesting or funny. Today's quote of the day comes to us from a good friend of mine, Sara. When Sara said the following she was pondering/reflecting upon a strange looking quarter that had some of the silver chipped away and was very old and ugly looking.
SARA: It looks like it's from the civil war. But really it's from the 1980s. I don't know where it came from or how it exists. I don't understand, Amy.

Yeah, It's A Word

So "AddleHead" is the name I use to post to this site. I have to admit, before yesterday I did not even know this word existed. I probably could have made an intelligent guess as to its meaning but if someone had said the world "Addlehead" to me I would probably have said to them, "Quit making shit up you bamblesquat!" And yeah, I just made the word "bamblesquat" up. It's not a real word. In fact, just to make sure...I just looked it up on dictionary.com and they told me no result was found and asked me if I meant "bomb squad."
But I digress. The word "addlehead" is in an actual word and if you don't believe me you should go ask your friend Mr. Webster sitting over there on your shelf. And if you don't find it there...oh well. Dictionary.com told me it was a word so it must be true. You should always believe everything the internet tells you. Right now you may be asking yourself..."Well Amy, (that's my "real" name, my "street" name if you will) if you didn't know the word "addlehead" existed how ever did you come to use it as your posting name?"

I am so glad you asked.

It just happens to be the most interesting story ever.

"........It all started when I wanted to get a blog (A NOTE: It really helps, if for this story you imagine me as really old and sitting in a rocking chair in my "housecoat" with ten cats at my feet and knitting in my lap). I felt a lot of pressure to come up with a good name both for the blog itself and for myself to post to said blog. I slept on it for days and even visited the mountains of Gegestu (more on that later) to seek the advice of an old sage living in the highest treetops of the highest mountains there. (In Gegestu their mountains are a little unimpressive. They're pretty much over-rated hills so it only took me like half an hour to climb the highest mountain and seek the advice of the sage.)
ANYWAY.
I realized in a moment of blissful epiphany that one of my most favorite things to do is to be a smart ass. So I was trying to come up with clever names to highlight this fact without directly naming myself SmartAss10 or something. Here is a short list of things I came up with:

CleverDonkey
IntelligentMule
ListoBurro
BrightDickey
WiseStubburnAndLessAttractiveMemeberOfTheEquineFamily

None of them had the right ring though. I consulted the Thesaurus (a type of book giving synonyms for other words, not a type of dinosaur) and looked up different words for "smart." Then I looked up different words for "ass" it was here that I stumbled across the words "addlebrain" "addlehead" and "addlepate." And after much deliberation I decided that "addlehead" meaning a person with confused ideas and incapable of serious thought pretty much described me and what I hoped to accomplish with this blog to a T.
So there you have it. Now I remember this other time that I went streaking-"

Sorry, my imagined old lady self seems to have nodded off in the middle of sentence.

Holy Crap A Blog

So, I've decided to get a blog. Hey, the rest of the world is doing it and I pretty much love cliches, so...why not? I've been wanting to make the move from "livejournaling" to "blogging" for a while now and I've finally done it. I feel so grown up. Really, you're nobody until you have a blog. Having a blog makes you really important. Don't believe me? Well, check it out, now I can say:
"Yeah, I got a blog."
"Hey, I can't talk right now. I gotta go blog."
"So last night, when I was writing in my blog..."

Anyway. I guess I should probably say something now about what a hope to accomplish with this blog. Talk a little about my "Blog Goal" if you will. And yes, that is a technical term used by bloggers world wide.

So in all actuality, I really know nothing about blogging. I've done a little livejournaling but beyond that my blog resume is pretty unimpressive. And by unimpressive I mean non-existent. So my basic "Blog Goal" is just to not really have a "Blog Goal." How's THAT for innovation? I can say with a good amount of certainty that this blog will not be a diary. So don't come on here expecting to read to the deep dark secrets of my life. (And believe you me there are plenty. I don't want to say too much on the subject because I already said this wouldn't be a diary but let's just say I've got a rap sheet a mile long due to multiple public nudity offenses. One of which involved naked jazzercise. But I already said I wasn't going to talk about deep dark secrets so no point in getting into all that...HOWEVER I will say this: I think it's really unfair the way people who don't like clothes are treated in today's society. Think about it. You don't see a whole lot of naked people walking around because the man keeps them down, well, not down...but clothed. Personally I find any sort of compromise on the matter (like mini skirts and tube tops) disgusting. Anyway. Enough of that. I'm getting so angry I could just put my shirt back on!)

So no. This won't really be a diary. But more a place for me to say crazy things. A place to be "incapable of serious thought." I don't take myself too seriously and you really shouldn't either. Taking me seriously only serves as a form of encouragement and such notions have proved dangerous in the past.

To all my fellow Chicagoians I'd like to say a heart felt "Happy Holidays!" though it is snowing and very cold outside may your heart be warmed by the glad tidings of the festive Halloween season. I can't tell you how long I've been dreaming of a "White Halloween" it looks like that dream may be finally coming true. Thank you so much global warming for making a young girl's deepest wish come true!